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Blog Name: Jamie's blog

How erotic is an erotic novel about lawyers?
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17 September 2014

I read a romance novel about lawyers and it was like being pinned against the wall by a deluded bore.

Amazon has 43 pages of books about sexy lawyers. I picked A Very Corporate Affair because it was near the top of the list. By the time I realised I was reading the second in a trilogy I felt sufficiently up to speed to forgo the first instalment. Also, Book 1's cover is a blurry photo of some office blocks, whereas Book 2 features a man fondling two microphones.

A Very Corporate Affair charts the life and loves of Elle, a self-obsessed NQ employed by the fictional Canary Wharf firm of 'Pearson Hardwick'. My God, but she is a terrible person. I count eleven boasts and no romance in the opening paragraph.

Readers might expect the Managing Partner to take Elle down a peg or two, perhaps over her knee in a lusty scene with a paddle. They would be wrong. But what A Very Corporate Affair lacks in eroticism, it makes up in ludicrous pay negotiations.

Only 12 weeks qualified and already a corruption-busting, client-winning, deal-leading superstar. Will Elle get what she deserves?

Alas, the "grade one benefit package" is not a trapdoor above a furnace and Elle lives long enough to receive a call from Ivan, a sexy Russian client.

Still your beating heart; Elle is referring to Ivan overfeeding his Spaniels.

Things take an unexpected turn when Elle is taken to Nobu by another sexy client.

CRUMBS. And that's where the free sample runs out. The rest of A Very Corporate Affair, Book Two is available for £2.49.
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Lawyer confuses PA with sadomasochist in job ad
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10 September 2014

Lawyers in the US have a reputation for being incredibly hardworking. They sell their soul to their firm and in return they enjoy great riches. Apparently that expectation of dedication extends to their PAs. At least, it will extend to the lucky person who beats thousands of other applicants to become this managing partner's...secretary? Butler? Gimp? It's hard to say.

The monster of an ad begins innocently enough, albeit with some confusion as to whether the author is the only managing partner of his firm or one of several.

He prefers the arts to the sciences. So far, so uncontentious.

Nanny experience. This is where alarm bells should start ringing. There's nothing wrong with a high-powered man who likes to be put in a nappy, but be open about it.

Desire to serve and reliable transportation are the key requirements here. Slave must have own car.

Please, please, please, no familiar attitudes or cheap shoes.

It is unclear who, in the entire world, would be happy being "at the mercy of someone else's constantly changing schedule", other than someone who hasn't got over their Stockholm Syndrome.

But it's not all take, take, take.

If dogs could read, that's how you might persuade one to come home with you.

You are the clay. I am the potter. The pay is generous. It has to be.

So perks include no illness or planned holidays? Where do I sign?

At time of going to press the position, spotted by US site Above the Law, had not been filled.
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Exclusive: Clifford Chance drops University of Law
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01 September 2014

Clifford Chance has dropped the University of Law as its training provider and switched to BPP.

BPP will teach CC's future trainees the MA LPC from next January and the GDL from September 2015.

Insiders tell RollOnFriday that UoL staff were told about CC's decision this morning. It is a huge blow for the university. Clifford Chance has intakes of around 100 trainees a year and the firm's contract is worth millions.

    The University of Law, yesterday

Private equity company Montagu might be ruing its decision to buy the former charity, if it wasn't flogging off all its property. Last September BPP swooped in and took Allen & Overy off the UoL's hands, and then last month it added DWF. Both firms have sizeable intakes. And now the breaded cat has won over Clifford Chance.

Read more on Friday.
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5 famous judgments reduced to tweets
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28 August 2014

Roffers on the discussion board have expressed their favourite judgments through the medium of Tweet. The results read like the UK's most venerable judges clambered into that chamber from The Fly with a Shoreditch social media manager.

Predictably, Denning emerges as the most twitter-friendly.

More missives from this dystopian future can be found on the discussion board.
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Mr T turns up for jury service
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20 August 2014

Mr T has been rejected from jury duty, even though he wore his signature mohawk and is Mr T.

Mr T, also known as BA Baracus and Clubber Lang but never by his surprisingly prissy real name, Lawrence Tureaud, was called for jury selection in Chicago. To emphasise that he was no longer wanted by the government for escaping a maximum security prison to which he'd been sent for a crime he didn't commit, he wore an FBI jumper and an FBI hat.

"I ain't gettin' on no jury." 

Mr T put up with jibba jabba from several fools outside the courthouse, posing for photos and signing autographs but refusing to let any of them drive his van.

He also told reporters, "I pity the criminals today", which may have cost him his place on the jury. Either way, he was not selected.

To tide us over until Mr T blasts through the courthouse walls in a tank he made from a lawnmower, spray cans, a station wagon and some fireworks while locked in a garage, here are eight things you never knew about Mr T:

1. When Mr T was a soldier at training camp in 1976 his platoon sergeant punished him by telling him to chop down trees, but didn't say how many. Mr T chopped down over seventy before a shocked major found him and told him to stop.

2. Mr T started wearing gold chains working as a nightclub bouncer. The chains belonged to customers who'd lost them in fights and been thrown out of the club. By wearing them on the door, Mr T was able to return the chains without letting banned patrons back inside the venue.

3. While working as a bodyguard, Mr T protected sixteen prostitutes, five preachers, eight bankers, five models, seven judges, three politicians, Muhammad Ali, Steve McQueen, Michael Jackson and Diana Ross.

4. Mr T received an anonymous letter asking him to assasinate someone. A man "offered me $75,000 to kill his friend. The last envelope and letter contained a round-trip airline ticket, first class, United. Plus there was $5,000 wrapped in a little package, fifty and hundred dollar bills." Mr T says he declined.

5. Before he got rid of his jewellery, Mr T spent over an hour every night buffing it with an ultrasonic cleaner.

6. Mr T released a motivational video for kids called Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool! which contained raps written by Ice-T. The video included advice on how to make tripping up look like breakdancing and the song Treat Your Mother Right (Treat Her Right), in which Mr T set out the reasons why it's important to treat your mother right.

7. In 1987 Mr T angered residents of his Chicago suburb by cutting down more than a hundred oak trees on his estate. The incident is known locally as 'The Lake Forest Chainsaw Massacre'. It seems likely he was suffering flashbacks to his army days.

8. This happened:

  Mr T and Nancy Reagan

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Man poses for mugshot in t-shirt of himself posing for mugshot
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19 August 2014

A man has posed for a mugshot wearing a t-shirt showing himself posing for a mugshot.

Robert Burt, channelling MC Escher and that time he stood between two mirrors and freaked himself out with a vision of Burts receding into infinity, was arrested for drunk driving. He had a provisional mugshot taken and was ordered to report back to spend two days in custody.

    Mug #1

Burt posted on facebook, “Going to do my 48 hours whoo,” before surrendering to carry out the sentence. When he arrived he was wearing a T-shirt printed with his original mugshot and the words “Burt Family Reunion 8/8-8/10/2014” (referring to an incarcerated relative), and “sponsored by Bud Light and Somerset County Sheriff".

    Mug #2, incorporating Mug #1

Burt said the corrections officer made him move the booking sign in order to capture Burt's celebration of what, for many, would be a shameful episode rather than something to put on a t-shirt. Burt said on Facebook, “They laughed there asses off haha”.

Burt's effort recalls the ongoing game being played by Ryan Gosling and Macaulay Culkin in which they wear a t-shirt with a photo on it of the other wearing a t-shirt with a photo on it of the other wearing a t-shirt with a photo on it of the other etc etc.

    Culkin, still a role model to one

Burt appears to be playing a high-stakes version of the same game, by himself. After his 48 hours in prison he pronounced on Facebook, “I’m out bitchs". Expect a third mugshot shortly. .... read more >
What's this, there's a RollOnFriday Fantasy League?
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12 August 2014

Calling all sports fans and non-sports fans who want something new to click on when they're bored: join RoF's fantasy football league.

The RollOnFriday Championship League has been set up by roffer and soccer mastermind HR@Lagos Law. All you need to do is click here to register your team.

It doesn't matter if you don't know anything about football. I don't, and while I came bottom for several weeks last season, I did not finish last. This year I'm expecting to do even less poorly, since Norwich's relegation means I am unable to include any of their players.

You've got £100 million to spend. Over 150 managers have signed up so far. The prize is pride. The cost is nothing. Can you beat De Jong Trousers? Surpass Picked By A Girl? Best The Unbillables? Find out, before being thrashed by The Spirit of Norwich.
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Exclusive: Offshoring Ashurst puts support staff at risk of redundancy
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06 August 2014

Ashurst is placing 17 of its 34-strong document production team in London at risk of redundancy as part of a plan to offshore their work.

It follows the firm's huge northshoring move last year when it opened an office in Glasgow to carry out support work more cheaply.

Now it plans to use an offshore provider to take on the sort of out-of-hours support work (typing up dictations, amending documents etc) which is currently provided by an in-house London team. The firm told RollOnFriday a London "hub" of staff would remain, with work either performed by them or by the offshore provider, who is yet to be appointed.

One source up for the chop wasn't too impressed with the decision, noting that, "in their words: "you cost us too much". Nice."

    Offshoring document production: How it might work
An Ashurst spokeswoman said the model proved successful in the firm's Australian offices, where doc prod work has been emailed to South Africa and back for over a year.

She said, "We will be consulting with the team in London which could unfortunately lead to some redundancies in the team. As part of the consultation process, we will explore methods for avoiding and minimising this".

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The search for the best lawyer in the world is over
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01 August 2014

Everyone can stop trying to be the best, because Pete Reid is the best. The Texas attorney's video, "I'm The One For You", proves it.


On a typical day, Reid:

1. Solves a Rubik's Cube in two seconds

2. Tosses a caber

3. Returns a dropped moneyclip

4. Karate chops a block of wood

5. Beats three speed chess opponents simultaneously


6. Gives a woman an amazing haircut

7. Foils a mugger

8. Rescues a man from drowning

9. And beats a football team by himself, scoring with a bicycle kick

That's all before he even arrives at court.

10. Where his closing argument receives a standing ovation.

What a guy. The documentary itself (apparently it may be an advert) is embedded below.

If you've seen lawyers spending their free time and the marketing budget making their fantasies a reality, let RoF know.

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CPS declines to charge vet for shagging horse, dog
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01 August 2014

A vet who filmed himself hanging out the back of a dog and a horse has escaped prosecution for bestiality.

The Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons (RCVS) took a dimmer view of Oliver Lown's antics than the courts, however, and has struck him off the profession's register.

Lown, from Suffolk, had never practised as a vet in the UK, but that didn't stop him from using his thermometer on the nation's terrified animals. As well as recording himself banging a dog and a horse, the tribunal found that Lown had been sending messages about his sexual activity (it's not clear to whom) and had an extensive collection of animal porn photos. His kink was uncovered when the images and recordings were discovered on his laptop and mobile phone.

   Dr Dothemalittle yesterday (not pictured: the seagull)  
Chair of the RCVS committee Prof Noreen Burrows said, "Each of the charges individually amounts to disgraceful conduct and the charges certainly amount to disgraceful conduct when taken cumulatively".

Because he's been struck off, Lown will no longer have access to anaesthetised hamsters in a veterinary clinic. But that doesn't seem to have been his MO anyway. Plus he can shave off his goatee and long hair and he will look completely different. That could be him now, stroking your Caleb.
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