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Blogs

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Blog Name: Jamie's blog

Wannabe lawyer jailed for hitting woman with penis
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1
24 October 2014

A student with hopes of becoming a solicitor has been jailed for slapping a woman in the face with his penis.

John Dale, a criminology student at Nottingham Trent who dreamed of becoming a lawyer, took an unorthodox approach to entering the legal profession when he was at a house party, noticed another guest had fallen asleep, took off his clothes and hit her across the cheek with his cock. 

A friend filmed the hilarious jape on his mobile phone and showed it to workmates, and Dale was arrested. He admitted sexual assualt, but when he was given nine months in prison he appealed on the basis that the sentence was too harsh. In the Court of Appeal his barrister, Trevor Burke QC, conceded that his client's behaviour was "extremely unpleasant", but argued that Dale receives no sexual gratification "where he slaps the flaccid penis on the head of a sleeping woman".

    That defence in full

Burke also said that Dale had agreed to stay away from Nottingham Trent until the object of his afflictions graduated. But the Court of Appeal was unmoved by his sacrifice and refused to overturn the lower court's decision, noting that Dale's victim had endured "obvious and significant distress".

Luckily for Dale, prison loves a joker who's comfortable with dick gags.
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Exclusive: BPP unveils new mascot
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1
22 October 2014

Holy crow.



BPP CEO Carl Lygo looks nervous. Remember Carl: you don't have to outrun the lion, just the other guy.

RollOnFriday was always of the view that the BPP logo looked more like a breaded cat. But I suppose that wouldn't have worked as well. OR WOULD IT.







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Exclusive: Slater & Gordon lawyers left unable to log in to their computers for 8 weeks
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0
14 October 2014

Slater & Gordon's plan to take over the world has encountered an error message.

The firm bought Fentons a year ago. But a source tells RollOnFriday that staff at legacy Fentons are spending 80% of their time "doing absolutely nothing" because they can't access Slaters' bespoke software. Instead they have been staring at the "blue screen of death".

 
   

Staff do sometimes reach the login screen, but are then immediately booted off the system. The problem has apparently been going on for two months with the combined IT might of legacy Fentons, legacy Pannone and the S&G mothership unable to fix it. Despite presumably turning the computers off and on again thousands of times.

Group IT Head Jonathan Pangrazio told RollOnFriday the issue "has caused great frustration to the affected staff". However he said "the disruptions have not impacted our clients" and that it is "an isolated problem". Pangrazio said that Slater & Gordon is "investing heavily in the UK to establish our standard core applications platform" and that the firm expects “to transition all staff and groups onto this environment in phases over the coming 12 months”. Which means staff may only have to put up with their screens of death for, erm, another year.

Show a Fentons lawyer we care; print this off and take it round to them.
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Exclusive: Top Taylor Wessing partner stands down after pulling trainee
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4
14 October 2014

One of Taylor Wessing's most senior partners is stepping down after making out with a first year trainee.

The partner is head of a department - RoF isn't naming him in case it identifies the unfortunate trainee - and copped off with the trainee at a party the firm held to welcome its new intake. There's no suggestion of any coercion. As Mrs Merton might put it, the trainee was presumably immediately attracted to a man who was old enough to be her father but with several million in the bank. But his colleagues took a dim view of his falling foul of the hamburger principle* and he has now stepped down from his management position.
 
    How it might have looked - an artist's impression 
    
The trainee still has to see him at work every day, which must be uncomfortable for everyone. And he will presumably still have some influence on her future career - he may have fallen on his sword but he's still an equity partner in the firm. As is generally the case with these things, one of them will probably move on in a couple of years. And it's not likely to be the partner...

A spokeswoman for Taylor Wessing told RollOnFriday, "This is an isolated incident and one which the firm takes extremely seriously. The partner in question has reflected on his behaviour; he has decided to step down and is no longer in a leadership position".

In order to preserve anonymity comments will not be appearing for this blog.

*don't get your meat where you get your bread...


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Apprentice claims she's a Glamorous Solicitor
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1
08 October 2014

The Apprentice is back on the telly, whittling down tomorrow's business leaders until only one is left to sell remaindered Amstrad fax-phones for a baron with a head like the herniated scrotum of an elderly gentleman. But a contestant has already made a grievous error, before they've even had a chance to market raw chicken as sushi, name a line of dolls i-SIS or brag to Sir Alan that they're so far outside the box they're in a xob.



"Scarce supply"? In RollOnFriday's experience the profession is rammed with Glamorous Solicitors.





No doubt the contestant wanted to remain an anonymous silhouette after burbling such foolishness, but unfortunately the BBC wouldn't let her.



Hmm. So, is Lauren Riley really a Glamorous Solicitor? It takes a special type of person to win that title.







Riley is a family law solicitor at Labrums LLP in St Albans. She is also the only member of staff who opted for a glossy professional portrait.



Poorly-lit? Check. Strangely-composed? Check. Pick Up Sticks glued to the wall? Check. Riley's colleagues have identifed the optimal conditions for glamour, unlike Riley. I'm afraid she's got a long way to go before she can declare herself a member of the profession's most envied club.







Let's hope Riley's commercial awareness is better than her awareness of Glamorous Solicitors, otherwise she won't stand a chance against her ex-Slaughter and May rival.

Though there is one consolation. Riley has her own website:

     
     

Though none are Glamorous standard, the sheer profusion of photographs, along with observations such as "Lauren is best described as a social butterfly and a whirlwind" (a clever reference to Chaos Theory?) and pink exclamation marks all mean Riley can at least call herself the proprietor of a Bonkers Law Firm Website.
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A lawyer on The Apprentice worked at Slaughter and May
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07 October 2014

Self-appointed Glamorous Solicitor Laura Riley is one of two lawyers on The Apprentice this year. And her legal rival has some pedigree.

Before he left private practice Felipe Alviar-Baquero was a solicitor for four years at Slaughter and May. Then he spent three years at Latham & Watkins. Alviar-Baquero left Lathams in May, and now works as a consultant for an energy insurance consultancy called INDECS. He also has a shiny suit.



Alviar-Baquero says he is "one of the top 100 Colombians elected by the Colombian government". He hasn't confirmed whether the government was electing the top 100 of all time, though as he "was with people like Shakira", it probably was.

He also carried the Olympic Torch through London.



For an insurance man, Alviar-Baquero is a bit of a risk-taker. In the first show he agrees to put himself in the firing line by becoming the leader of Team Summit. And then he not only refers to himself in the third person, but tells Tottenham Hotspur-superfan Sir Alan that he supports Arsenal.
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Meet Law Hawk
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-1
06 October 2014

Bryan Wilson is LAW HAWK. As he makes very clear in his advert.



The commerical begins with a hawk wrapped in a flag.



It is a stirring vision. Suddenly there's a fiery explosion, the sound of breaking glass and Wilson snarls "Texas Law Hawk" in the voice of an angry WWE wrestler. The camera zooms in on his face as he makes a claw and shouts "Talons of justice!"



A bored-looking hawk screeches without opening its beak.



In rapid succession WIlson growls "They call me the Law Hawk," yells "Go Law Hawk!", nods "Law Hawk," and then leaps off a ledge declaring "I'm the Law Hawk."



The distracted hawk reappears with a bone-chilling shriek, Wilson clarifies "I'm the Texas Law Hawk" and the advert cuts to a policeman stopping some drunks in a car. Before the cop can run roughshod over their rights in some way, Law Hawk sprints out of the shadows groaning in fury. He stops to note "Somebody just called the Law Hawk", then kicks the cop's laptop right out of his hands.



Wilson instructs everyone to "call Bryan Wilson, the Texas Law Hawk, today". Just in case anyone's lost the thread, he barks "Law Hawk".

In a bizarre finale, as the hawk screeches off-camera (maybe it's circling above), Wilson tries to smash a tree branch over a concrete wall, but it fails to break and just bounces off.



Undeterred, Wilson croaks "Call the Law Hawk". There's another explosion, his logo appears over flames and for good measure he cries "Texas Law Hawk".



Verdict: unlike the the Best Lawyer Ever's ad, Wilson dosn't demonstrate a wide range of skills, just a leap, a failed stick-break and lots of assertions that he is Law Hawk. Nor does his use of fire hold a candle to the lawyer who smashed up his brother's grave with a flaming sledgehammer. But his strong use of repetition and patriotic imagery ensures Law Hawk will lodge in the minds of proud Americans, bird fans and the slow alike. Law Hawk!
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DLA founder publishes tell-all memoirs
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03 October 2014

Step aside Dan Brown, goodbye 50 Shades of Gray. There's a new publishing sensation in town.

That's right, Roger Lane-Smith, founder of DLA Piper, has finally given in and released his long-awaited memoirs, "A Fork In The Road".



Just in time for Christmas Halloween, lawyers have been receiving emails from Roger with the irresistible heading "My Brand New Autobiography at a Special Price". Some fans apparently don't think the book requires advertising at a special price, like the associate who told RollOnFriday "I cannot believe I have been spammed with this".

Instead of releasing several editions covering different periods in his life, Roger's book covers his entire 50 year career practising law. It promises to answer all the big questions, including, according to the blurb, the biggest: "How did Roger Lane-Smith build up the world's largest law firm within 30 years, starting from a tiny Manchester side-steeet?" If you thought the answer was "But Baker & McKenzie is the world's largest law firm", or "Nigel Knowles", you'd be wrong. Probably. RollOnFriday hasn't read the book yet.

But it sounds brilliant. Apparently Roger "really has 'seen it all'". From "the legal shenanigans of the icons of popular culture" to "the deals he has made at the cutting edge of high finance", he has been "close to some of the key moments of the last 30 years" like a legal Zelig or boardroom Forrest Gump.

And your kids will love the author's stories about his famous friends. Roger is "at home with Hollywood celebrities such as Aaron Spelling, David Soul and Joan Collins", though hopefully not literally as Aaron Spelling died in 2006.

Profits from the sale(s) of the book will go to UNICEF and the Shooting Stars Children’s Hospice. It is estimated that 3,467 children must be saved in order to restore karmic balance. 14,897 if there are sexy bits.
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RPC's new slogans are amazing guff
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4
26 September 2014

It's been a while since we saw some solid puff from a law firm's marketing team, so thanks to RPC for the slogans now appearing on its website. As a bonus, they come in eyecatching noir n' neon.



It's a lovely sentiment. Though a more accurate version would surely be:



Leaving aside RPC's wild claim that its lawyers are saintly as well as steely, a swift google reveals that a company called Peak Potential already offers Minds of Steel and Hearts of Gold. And unlike RPC, its motivational camp in the wilds of British Columbia offers you the chance to get them by combining the success of the warrior with the calm of a wizard:



Happily they'll be no such confusion with RPC's next slogan, because it's aimed at zombies.



"All I wanted was braaaaaiiiins - but I got so much more". The other possibility is that RPC is really pushing its lawyers as cuddly lovegivers, which is somehow even more disturbing.

There are no grand claims in the final effort which, if anything, is a little too modest. In the words of one reader it represents "a real back to basics approach".



Not even "love"? The madmen must have run out of Old Fashioneds.

If you've found a law firm producing pure puffery, or just spouting utter balls, let us know.
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How erotic is an erotic novel about lawyers?
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0
17 September 2014

I read a romance novel about lawyers and it was like being pinned against the wall by a deluded bore.

Amazon has 43 pages of books about sexy lawyers. I picked A Very Corporate Affair because it was near the top of the list. By the time I realised I was reading the second in a trilogy I felt sufficiently up to speed to forgo the first instalment. Also, Book 1's cover is a blurry photo of some office blocks, whereas Book 2 features a man fondling two microphones.



A Very Corporate Affair charts the life and loves of Elle, a self-obsessed NQ employed by the fictional Canary Wharf firm of 'Pearson Hardwick'. My God, but she is a terrible person. I count eleven boasts and no romance in the opening paragraph.



Readers might expect the Managing Partner to take Elle down a peg or two, perhaps over her knee in a lusty scene with a paddle. They would be wrong. But what A Very Corporate Affair lacks in eroticism, it makes up in ludicrous pay negotiations.



Only 12 weeks qualified and already a corruption-busting, client-winning, deal-leading superstar. Will Elle get what she deserves?



Alas, the "grade one benefit package" is not a trapdoor above a furnace and Elle lives long enough to receive a call from Ivan, a sexy Russian client.



Still your beating heart; Elle is referring to Ivan overfeeding his Spaniels.

Things take an unexpected turn when Elle is taken to Nobu by another sexy client.


CRUMBS. And that's where the free sample runs out. The rest of A Very Corporate Affair, Book Two is available for £2.49.
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