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Main Discussion

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Back to Cyprian :)
Posted - 20 April 2017 18:51
I will do it for £1400 a day.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 20 April 2017 19:04
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I realise that, rather than asking about role, I should have asked people what position they prefer.

But I run the risk of invoking the Wrath of Clerg.
Back to Cyprian :)
Posted - 20 April 2017 19:09
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I want the minimum of £1600 a day position.

This Brexit inflation is a killer, huh?
Scylla
Posted - 21 April 2017 08:08
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Can I please be the secretary that wears obnoxiously short skirts, and leans provocatively over your desk when I bring you coffee.

I can't be arsed doing anything more serious.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 09:50
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When you say "the" secretary — am I limited to just one?

And you'll need to be careful that you don't get your high heels caught in the cables on the floor...
Scylla
Posted - 21 April 2017 09:54
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Ah.. of course not.

Otherwise you'd expect me to also type, file and answer the fvcking phone.

I'm solely filling the JD as set out above you're definitely going to need someone else to do the rest of that kittens .
Clergs (!)
Posted - 21 April 2017 09:56
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I will stay my wrath if I can be your head of tax
Clergs (!)
Posted - 21 April 2017 09:56
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wait, no

head of PR
Back to Cyprian :)
Posted - 21 April 2017 09:57
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ahh, the "fvcking phone". And batman thought his batphone was cool...
Back to Cyprian :)
Posted - 21 April 2017 09:58
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in my last job the tax situation was so toxic, the head of tax was a quasi-PR role too.
Scylla
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:07
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I despise all forms of oral telephonic communications.

funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:10
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Dear Clergs

Thank you for your application for the role of Head of Public Relations at FM Services Plc.

FM Services Plc is a vibrant, upbeat company, and we pride ourselves on a joyful, friendly corporate persona.

We may also have spent too much on "brand alignment" and "customer messaging".

Please could you share some examples of how you have spread joy and happiness in the past?
Back to Cyprian :)
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:12
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Clergs won the award for least miserable scot every year from 1987 to 2014.


Srsly.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:12
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Otherwise you'd expect me to also type, file and answer the fvcking phone.

So not so much a secretary, but rather (I presume reasonably well compensated) office eye-candy?

Which basically puts you in competition with the amazing red dragon I have on my window cill.

And bravo for applying for such a role with a text-only application, rather than attaching a photograph.
Bobbie-Fleckmann
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:13
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I am going to apply for Head of Colouring In.
Please send form and green crayon.
The Wizard of Oz
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:32
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Dear Mr Monkey

Please accept my application for the position as head of professional development at your firm.

I am passionate about professional development and in securing new professional experiences, both for my colleagues and myself. In that regard, I note with keen interest your firm's recent experience with sex robots.

I look forward to speaking with you to discuss this role further.

Regards
The Wiz
Coracle Lolling
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:40
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Can I be Head of Strategy?

I must be suitably qualified having read many of Laz's career posts and I'm confident that given time in the role (is 2020 too soon?) I can actually develop a job description of what the role entails.

I am very impressed by the calibre of applicants your recruitment drive has attracted and look forward to joining FM Services plc.
strongly unstable
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:50
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I am quite offended that you have seen my CV and did not offer me a job, Funky.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:54
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Dear Wizard

Please accept my application for the position as head of professional development at your firm.

Thank you for your application for the role of Head of Professional Development.

This sounds an awful lot like running team building exercises, which are usually, well, awful.

Please could you provide some examples of the type of team building exercises you might deploy, and other ways of encouraging staff development.

Best wishes

Funky

P.S. all staff are entitled to make use of whatever robot facilities they find or build. But bring your own wet wipes.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 10:57
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Dear Coracle

With reference to your application for role of "Head of Strategy", I am left scratching my own head. You appear to be a highly credible candidate, having set out succinctly your own strategy for determining what you would be doing as Head of Strategy.

At the same time, I am somewhat concerned that, given your referenced reading material, we would end up as the only football-playing member of Parliament with expertise in financial services, history and running the Death Star. And that's only this week's aim.

I should be grateful for any reassurances you are able to offer on this point.

Yours

F. Monkey Esq.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:01
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Dear Anna

I am quite offended that you have seen my CV and did not offer me a job, Funky.

First, I should not wish to be so presumptuous as to know what might appeal to you, or how best FM Services plc might make use your no-doubt considerable skills.

Second, donuts are in the cupboard behind you.

Third, you sound like quite hard work and, frankly, your application has less immediate appeal than that of Scylla.

Might you wish to resubmit your application?

Yours with decidedly fewer donuts now,

Funky
strongly unstable
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:04
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Dear Funky

I have decided to interpret your invitation to eat doughnuts as a job offer.

I accept.

Yours with immediate and binding effect,

Anna

*eats all the doughnuts*

*resigns*

*sues for constructive dismissal because of "hard work" comment, pointed remarks about weight and failure to make reasonable adjustments for member of staff with an eating disorder*
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:06
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pointed remarks about weight

Trust me, when I look at you, I think *rounded", not "pointed", love.
strongly unstable
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:07
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*enters comment in sexual harassment log book*

*joins union*
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:10
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Weightist, sure.

Offensive, entirely.

But "sexual harassment"?

PS. are you apply for Head of HR?
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:10
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applying*
strongly unstable
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:12
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I would be a terrible Head of HR.
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:15
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I don't know — you've so far manage to whine about various HR-type issues for much of this thread, without achieving anything in particular. You sound pretty qualified to me.
strongly unstable
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:23
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Good point.
Coracle Lolling
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:36
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Dear Funky

Thank you for this opportunity. I am concerned that you have missed off playing hockey and leading two political parties simultaneously from this week's agenda. I fear this suggests a lack of ambition on FM Services plc's behalf, which only reinforces the need for a Head of Strategy to think Big.

I however note your concerns and will accordingly delay delivery of my job description to take account of these additional challenges.

Scylla in her obnoxiously short skirt leaning over serving coffee was mentioned earlier as a potential benefit. I do not drink coffee but would welcome an office with a view instead.

Yours
Coracle
.....Meh
Posted - 21 April 2017 11:43
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Dear Mr Monkey Esq

I would like to apply for the position of Holistic Wellbeing Manager. I assume this involves offering counselling type chats with other employees over tea and biscuits (you to supply) or prosecco etc (you also to supply) for evening consultations during which they will confide all the gossip in me and I can help them with their relationship type issues. I will also be in charge of sorting out therapies and will liaise closely with spa and similar other providers. I will also investigate options in terms of wellness retreats both at home and abroad by road testing them first to ensure that your other employees can function at their absolute best and are so happy they will never leave, thus reducing your recruitment overheads substantially too.

With supportive hugs,

Meh
Monkeygirkl
Posted - 21 April 2017 12:18
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Dear Mr F Monkey Esq,

I am applying for the position of Head of Time Keeping. My one and only responsibility is to wind all the office clocks forward one hour at the commencement of Daylight Savings and return them to normal time at the end of Daylight Savings.

For this I expect an executive suite on the top floor of your fine establishment, a bottomless bar fridge and a salary of £250,000 per annum.

I ask you not to baulk at the salary. First, I am worth it. Second, for added value to you, in my spare time I will ensure that you are kept in constant supply of the sharpest pencils that ever were sharpened. I shall happily poke a pointy pencil in the eye of anyone who displeases you. I will decide who is displeasing you, so as to relieve you of the burden of having to inform me yourself.

I firmly believe I will make a useful addition to your team.

Yours
Monkeygirkl
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 12:44
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Dear Coracle

I am concerned that you have missed off playing hockey and leading two political parties simultaneously from this week's agenda. I fear this suggests a lack of ambition on FM Services plc's behalf, which only reinforces the need for a Head of Strategy to think Big

The only-slightly-awkward life-size portrait of me hanging in reception, produced during one of "life drawing" classes, should demonstrate that "big" is of no problem.

But I accept that I had omitted a number of key areas for future development, and so you sound like an ideal fit.



Funky
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 12:46
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Dear Meh

I would like to apply for the position of Holistic Wellbeing Manager.

Does this mean that you, and your office, will smell like Lush cosmetics? It sounds worryingly like that.

Or like the "aroma room" in a spa, which uses smells more like mould than lavender.

I note, however, your commitment to ensuring the quality of experiences offered to employees, and I would like to hear your recommendations for our first company away day — to be organised in conjunction with our new Head of Professional Development.

Kind regards

Funky
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 12:50
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Dear Ms Girkl

I am applying for the position of Head of Time Keeping

If I understand correctly, you are based in Australia which, according to my quick research is about 12 hours, and roughly the same number of years, behind the UK.

Am I correct?

For this I expect an executive suite on the top floor of your fine establishment, a bottomless bar fridge and a salary of £250,000 per annum.

Well that seems reasonable, especially since, in the not too distant future, £250,000 won't even buy you a flight home...

for added value to you, in my spare time I will ensure that you are kept in constant supply of the sharpest pencils that ever were sharpened.

Reading between the lines, I'm pretty sure that Scylla was offering to "sharpen my pencil" already, as part of the package. However, ensuring continuity of coverage is admirable, and goes very much in your favour.

When might you be able to begin, please?

G'day mate,

Funky
strongly unstable
Posted - 21 April 2017 13:06
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"Well that seems reasonable, especially since, in the not too distant future, £250,000 won't even buy you a flight home..."

HEH!
The Wizard of Oz
Posted - 21 April 2017 13:36
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Query for Girkl - Is that £250k net, netnet or netnetnet?
Monkeygirkl
Posted - 21 April 2017 13:57
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It doesn't matter Wiz - I lose my counting skills as long as the bar fridge is kept stocked to the max.

Mr Funky, I can start immediately. I need 400 HB pencils and a Hattori Hanzo samurai katana. Please show me to your clocks.
Scylla
Posted - 21 April 2017 14:46
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Dear Funky,

I have submitted a photo of me wearing a very obnoxiously short skirt to your email.

Scy
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 15:01
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Heh! You have indeed...
funkymonkeyesq
Posted - 21 April 2017 15:52
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Please show me to your clocks

The only one which does not get updated automatically over NTP is the one of the oven in the office kitchen.

I fear I may have overpaid in having you update this just twice a year.
Abbeywell/NSA
Posted - 21 April 2017 16:46
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Will hospitality be inhouse or contracted out?