RollOnFriday asked lawyers and law firm staff to speak candidly for the Firm of the Year 2016 survey, and thousands did. Here are some of the best revelations, which all win prizes, which won't be handed out because the respondents are anonymous.
Happiest Trainee Award
"The best way to describe the training contract was cowering in a corner being hit with a stick whilst being told how lucky I was to work there." Skadden
Happiest Partner Award
"Slackers can get away by hiding between the stinking ranks of nincompoops in real estate, litigation, and 'corporate counselling'." Jones Day
The Nigel Farage Achievement In The Face Of Diversity Award
"As a white male i feel that i'm treated badly and unfairly. plenty of thick people here who have simply been employed to show how diverse they are." Baker & McKenzie
Gold Star Award
"At the end of the week, the person who has done the most chargeable hours gets a "well done" sticker from the partners, like a fucking child." Capsticks
Lord Snooty Award
"Biscuits could be better. They are Bronte biscuits which you do see in decent cafes but still not to my liking." Clarke Willmott
Lehman Brothers Award
"Hands out free cardboard boxes to staff who resign." CMS Cameron McKenna
Warning! Genius At Work Award
"The pens only work properly if you hold them at a certain angle." Burges Salmon
They Miss You Too But You Have Got To Move On Award
"Biscuits could be better. I previously worked for Wragges and their Mars bar cake and other biscuits were beyond compare and have to be one of the best (if not the best) in the country." Clarke Willmott
Best Lift Award
"The relaxation provided by the Wellbeing programme has been offset by the stress of the lifts which go rogue from time to time. This has included a guest speaker late for his own speech after being trapped for 20 mins; two consultants coming in to do a pitch and finding themselves whirled away on a magical mystery tour up and down to the basement with doors opening randomly between floors; and several staff members experiencing a full 'lemming plummet'. This has taught us all to get into lifts only with colleagues we actually like and would be happy to spend our final moments with." Nabarro
Best View Award
"Dead body being dragged out of the canal next door." Nabarro
Silver Lining Award
"One of the offices has had the same water leak for at least 12 months. We even put a pot plant under it. At least the pot plant is doing well." Hill Dickinson
Rorschach Award
"The new office has artwork of small animals being fisted." Ince & Co
Integrated Work/Life Balance Award
"The IT gives me regular "egg-timer" breaks of 20-30 seconds. Then forgets everything I typed in the meantime." Slater & Gordon
Best Subliminal Message Award
"When I rang the IT helpdesk, the hold music was 'Livin' on a Prayer'." Bond Dickinson
Sod It We're Moving Office This Year Anyway Award
"You will often see mice running around under your feet and moths eating the carpet and any suits hanging up behind the door." Bird & Bird
Allo 'Allo Award
"Firm thinks of itself as Magic Circle when it is a two-bit hooker on the Champs Elysees." Watson Farley Williams
Best Use of Clare Balding Award
"We are the Clare Balding of law firms. We don't have the obvious appeal of Gabby Logan but we can be surprisingly adequate." Browne Jacobson
DFS/DWF Award
"The name is sometimes mistaken for Travis Perkins and people to whom I am talking expect me to know about building supplies." Travers Smith
Saatchi Award
"RoF still can't get its new name right despite more than one story sneering at the change (it's Fieldfisher, guys)." Field Fisher Waterhouse
Force Not Awakening Award
"They call it the Death Star. The real one had a weak point which the rebels could blow up when it all got a bit much. Here there is no weak point. But neither are there any rebels." Slaughter and May
Cilla Black Memorial Prize
"The only social event is the annual Christmas party by which point everyone is desperate for a shag but doesn't know who anyone else is." BLM
Huggies Award
"This year no partners got so drunk at client events that they shat themselves. Progress!" Bond Dickinson
Lord Snooty Award 2
"The Events team throw excellent parties. The wine would never be mistaken for anything out of a box." Macfarlanes
School Prefect Award
"Juniors got told off for doing a jigsaw in their lunch hour on Christmas Eve." Macfarlanes
No More Drama Award
"It's a pleasure to work with partners who aren't drinking too much, having affairs and three times divorced." Burges Salmon
Faint Praise Award
"The people aren't half bad considering most of them are spoilt little rich kids who have lost all sense of reality." Allen & Overy
Mary Whitehouse Award
"You would not be able to tell apart some trainees from other 'pros' when judging by the length of their skirts. Would be nice for HR to apply a more 'decent' dress code policy." White & Case
Go On Let It All Out Award
"Most of them are bitter old cretins who have managed to worm their way into a great company and have feathered their nest with the bones of their previous victims." Dentons
Cometh The Hour Award
"There's a bloke who regularly goes off for a tug to the gent's room on the third floor - you can literally hear the fapping and the strained grunts coming out from behind the toilet cubicle." Squire Patton Boggs
They're On To You Award
"Judging by the shoes and sock colour, my guess is it's someone from the corporate dept." Squire Patton Boggs
Lip Service Award
"Management constantly bleating about culture and values, then hiring a dodgy, struck off ex-solicitor just because he could bring a client with him." Shoosmiths
Catch 22 Award
"They state a "no wankers" policy. Unfortunately it doesn't really hold true except for the wankers, who naturally think that the no wankers policy is working as they are surrounded by like-minded wankers." RPC
Most Redacted Award
"[redacted by RollOnFriday], head of [redacted by RollOnFriday], spends more time fondling his associates than focusing on the department's strategy." Allen & Overy
Waco Award
"The cult-like speech at the Christmas party where a partner attempted to lead everyone in chanting "I will protect this house", in reference to helping the firm to maintain its market position. Weird." Skadden
Thank you for taking part in the survey. Find all the Firm of the Year 2016 stories here.
Tip Off ROF
Happiest Trainee Award
"The best way to describe the training contract was cowering in a corner being hit with a stick whilst being told how lucky I was to work there." Skadden
Happiest Partner Award
"Slackers can get away by hiding between the stinking ranks of nincompoops in real estate, litigation, and 'corporate counselling'." Jones Day
The Nigel Farage Achievement In The Face Of Diversity Award
"As a white male i feel that i'm treated badly and unfairly. plenty of thick people here who have simply been employed to show how diverse they are." Baker & McKenzie
Gold Star Award
"At the end of the week, the person who has done the most chargeable hours gets a "well done" sticker from the partners, like a fucking child." Capsticks
Lord Snooty Award
"Biscuits could be better. They are Bronte biscuits which you do see in decent cafes but still not to my liking." Clarke Willmott
Lehman Brothers Award
"Hands out free cardboard boxes to staff who resign." CMS Cameron McKenna
Warning! Genius At Work Award
"The pens only work properly if you hold them at a certain angle." Burges Salmon
They Miss You Too But You Have Got To Move On Award
"Biscuits could be better. I previously worked for Wragges and their Mars bar cake and other biscuits were beyond compare and have to be one of the best (if not the best) in the country." Clarke Willmott
Best Lift Award
"The relaxation provided by the Wellbeing programme has been offset by the stress of the lifts which go rogue from time to time. This has included a guest speaker late for his own speech after being trapped for 20 mins; two consultants coming in to do a pitch and finding themselves whirled away on a magical mystery tour up and down to the basement with doors opening randomly between floors; and several staff members experiencing a full 'lemming plummet'. This has taught us all to get into lifts only with colleagues we actually like and would be happy to spend our final moments with." Nabarro
Best View Award
"Dead body being dragged out of the canal next door." Nabarro
Silver Lining Award
"One of the offices has had the same water leak for at least 12 months. We even put a pot plant under it. At least the pot plant is doing well." Hill Dickinson
Rorschach Award
"The new office has artwork of small animals being fisted." Ince & Co
Integrated Work/Life Balance Award
"The IT gives me regular "egg-timer" breaks of 20-30 seconds. Then forgets everything I typed in the meantime." Slater & Gordon
Best Subliminal Message Award
"When I rang the IT helpdesk, the hold music was 'Livin' on a Prayer'." Bond Dickinson
Sod It We're Moving Office This Year Anyway Award
"You will often see mice running around under your feet and moths eating the carpet and any suits hanging up behind the door." Bird & Bird
Allo 'Allo Award
"Firm thinks of itself as Magic Circle when it is a two-bit hooker on the Champs Elysees." Watson Farley Williams
Best Use of Clare Balding Award
"We are the Clare Balding of law firms. We don't have the obvious appeal of Gabby Logan but we can be surprisingly adequate." Browne Jacobson
DFS/DWF Award
"The name is sometimes mistaken for Travis Perkins and people to whom I am talking expect me to know about building supplies." Travers Smith
Saatchi Award
"RoF still can't get its new name right despite more than one story sneering at the change (it's Fieldfisher, guys)." Field Fisher Waterhouse
Force Not Awakening Award
"They call it the Death Star. The real one had a weak point which the rebels could blow up when it all got a bit much. Here there is no weak point. But neither are there any rebels." Slaughter and May
Cilla Black Memorial Prize
"The only social event is the annual Christmas party by which point everyone is desperate for a shag but doesn't know who anyone else is." BLM
Huggies Award
"This year no partners got so drunk at client events that they shat themselves. Progress!" Bond Dickinson
Lord Snooty Award 2
"The Events team throw excellent parties. The wine would never be mistaken for anything out of a box." Macfarlanes
School Prefect Award
"Juniors got told off for doing a jigsaw in their lunch hour on Christmas Eve." Macfarlanes
No More Drama Award
"It's a pleasure to work with partners who aren't drinking too much, having affairs and three times divorced." Burges Salmon
Faint Praise Award
"The people aren't half bad considering most of them are spoilt little rich kids who have lost all sense of reality." Allen & Overy
Mary Whitehouse Award
"You would not be able to tell apart some trainees from other 'pros' when judging by the length of their skirts. Would be nice for HR to apply a more 'decent' dress code policy." White & Case
Go On Let It All Out Award
"Most of them are bitter old cretins who have managed to worm their way into a great company and have feathered their nest with the bones of their previous victims." Dentons
Cometh The Hour Award
"There's a bloke who regularly goes off for a tug to the gent's room on the third floor - you can literally hear the fapping and the strained grunts coming out from behind the toilet cubicle." Squire Patton Boggs
They're On To You Award
"Judging by the shoes and sock colour, my guess is it's someone from the corporate dept." Squire Patton Boggs
Lip Service Award
"Management constantly bleating about culture and values, then hiring a dodgy, struck off ex-solicitor just because he could bring a client with him." Shoosmiths
Catch 22 Award
"They state a "no wankers" policy. Unfortunately it doesn't really hold true except for the wankers, who naturally think that the no wankers policy is working as they are surrounded by like-minded wankers." RPC
Most Redacted Award
"[redacted by RollOnFriday], head of [redacted by RollOnFriday], spends more time fondling his associates than focusing on the department's strategy." Allen & Overy
Waco Award
"The cult-like speech at the Christmas party where a partner attempted to lead everyone in chanting "I will protect this house", in reference to helping the firm to maintain its market position. Weird." Skadden
Thank you for taking part in the survey. Find all the Firm of the Year 2016 stories here.
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