A Las Vegas personal injury firm has leaned hard into the current popularity of superhero movies with an eye-popping website which sees it adding spandex-clad staff to the roster.

The unsophisticated client might assume that Rescue Lawyers comprises three men in suits, a fourth in a cape, a woman with a fondness for utility belts, and a robot. 

     

Pummelling the real world into submission, Rescue Lawyers declines to include profiles of its actual lawyers. Instead, potential clients must judge the firm by the strength, speed, agility and intelligence of three characters who were off sick when hero school was handing out identities. The leader of the group, and therefore its de facto managing partner, is 'Ca$hman'. An unusually materialistic hero, he is never without his fistful of dollar bills. Ca$hman's very specific power is the ability to "bring insurance companies to their knees". 

  "Hi Avengers, this is Ca$hman, I guess you're out again. Call me when you get this."

There are no actual female lawyers at Rescue Lawyers, which perhaps explains why there is 'Victoria Flawless' instead. She is not strong or quick, but she keeps in shape and has maximum intelligence.

  Are you an idiot or child beguiled by bright colours? Then you'll love trusting your claim to Flawless and her x-ray product liability specs. 
 
In the modern business landscape no law firm is truly effective without excellent IT, and at Rescue Lawyers it comes in the form of a big, yellow, blobby robot. He is called 'The Summoner' and he lays awake wondering why he exists. The Summoner has low intelligence according to his firm, which is perhaps the only one to publicly rate its staff so harshly.

  Come on Irwin Mitchell, this is how to do personal injury. 

The three human members of Rescue Lawyers get much less attention, but on the plus side that means they do not suffer the indignity of intelligence measurements, either.

     

Much like Hydra infiltrating Shield, some digging reveals that the trio are also staff at Shwartz Flansberg LLP. It has a grown-up website and appears to run Rescue Lawyers as a side-venture to attract the less discerning comic lover. Over there, Sam, Thomas and Brian look, if anything, more heroic.

  Never meet your heroes. 

Sam, Brian and Thomas insert themselves into various scenarios in which they arrive just after horrible accidents have befallen innocent people, like the absolute worst superheroes imaginable.

  "Just too late again, Ca$hman."
"I know, Thomas. Hey, you look slimmer as a cartoon."
"Really? I hadn't noticed." 

  "Too late? Hoho! We don't get commission if we PREVENT you falling!" 
"SCANNING SCANNING SCANNING PUDDLE Sam, my sensors show this man slipped in a puddle."

    "Look, a crash! Come on, Summoner!"
"Kill-me-Brian." 

The less said about their nemesis the better.

  They should, of course, be discouraging people from following Mr Zero. 

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