estate agent patter

"uniquely located".  Of course it is.   Different matter cannot occupy the same space. It's right where it is, uniquely.  As is everything else.

I still larf at the one we saw where the blurb said "surprising degree of privacy". It was surprising in the sense that it was overlooked all the way round including from the main road bus stop. 

Read this horrendous sentence the other day:

”a perfect blend of modern design and character features, so rightly expected from a property of this age”

Sooooo rightly

And naturally the understatement that is "in need to modernisation".

They do a weird thing where they try and cut off a potential objection by drawing attention to it. E.g. “On a generous plot” means no garden. It’s like they are compelled by the laws of sales to tell on themselves.

understatement that is "in need to modernisation".

I usually see this stated as ‘a real opportunity to put your stamp on this property’

Close to outstanding schools = Hasn't been in catchment since the 80s.

"an opportunity to purchase"  - it's for sale.

"wider than average" - they never mention when they're narrower than average.

"price range £1.1m to £1.2m".  Err, what the actual?

'Uniquely located close to local amenities' can mean its on a busy road, next to a train line and opposite a row of kebab shops, pizza places and chippies.

"on the open market for the first time in 50 years" = hasn't been touched for 50 years and you'll have to view in the daytime as we're too scared of the electrics to turn the lights on.

the property boasts breathtaking views


It looks out over a particularly active sewage works

The valuation for probate is £800,000 but with modernisation this could increase to £850,000.

"arranged over three floors" - it has three floors, and you're gonna curse those stairs.

opposite a row of kebab shops, pizza places and chippies.

surely this is a genuine advantage?

All these people who write these should just be replaced by bots. They'd do a better job. 


The place we have now had particulars which made much of how it was near 'Europe's biggest Sainsbury's'. That, my non-friend, is a competition and proximity that no one wanted to win. 


When selling a place a few years back I got the first draft of the particulars back. What, I asked, was all this total guff about it being part of the WhateverTheyCalledIt Estate? "Oh, Jane wrote that". Aha. And what did she base that on? "Oh she says it's just something she heard someone say once. We can take it out if you like?"

A few years ago selling a place I wrote the guff and the agent commented it was better than he could have done and perhaps I should have his job.  I resisted pointing out that it's not hard as you just need to come up with something honest that doesn't sound like the office trainee has simply copy and pasted the description of a property that is nothing like the one you are selling.

Surely Europe's biggest Sainsbury's is also The World's Biggest Sainsbury's?

Why were they so uncharacteristically modest ?

Oh dear Sails. That must have been gutting when you compared fees for the transaction.

estate agents persist in using "vendor" for "seller" and "purchaser" for "buyer".  They do it for the same reasons they erroneously use the reflexive "yourself" - because they think it is technical, clever and sophisticated.

Thick khunts. 

You  may think they are thick but they are very, very good at making easy money.


there is no correlation between wealth and intelligence so I don't understand the relevance of your comment.

“Because its yourself, the purchaser is willing to supplement the offering by throwing in the fag stained drapes that wont fit their new windows”

‘With the benefit of vacant possession’


because we’d all really like a place occupied by tenants or squatters 

@ parsnip I never understood that either. Anyone know why?

- Deceptively spacious (looked tiny from the entrance but the one velux in the back helps make it just look less tiny but still really small)  

- Benefits from off street parking (the once cute front garden has been demolished so there are now just bins, loose gravel and space for a smart car on an ugly patch).

-Bedroom/ study (the sellers insisted we called this room a bedroom but yeah, its just 4ft x 4ft. 

- Lower garden flat ( no, dark old basement actually)

- Popular road/ street ( rat run, or short cut for the drunks coming home)

- Walking distance to (the train, shops, sea, park)  45 minutes at least 

- Breath taking views of the sea/ castle/ river/ mountain  (on a clear day from the chimney / standing on the loo upsatirs and peering out the bathroom window) 

 - Garden room/ office / workshop (shed with a light, power socket and window) 

Sucker I was the seller so was in my interest to make the ad half way decent.

Ebit what they think they’re saying is that the property is currently empty not that it will be unencumbered at completion 

Some of them do a very hard job of making easy money by nearly killing the deals they rely on to make money.

Enjoys generous views over surrounding land


has no garden but is in a high rise block so has aerial views of the whole sink estate 

"lived-in feel" = absolutely trashed by 4 feral boys under 7 years old. 

‘Master bedroom boasts a compact en-suite’

There’s a manky wash-basin in a small cupboard.

Yes "Master bedroom" the only one which you can squeeze a double bed in

‘Tidy rear garden laid to lawn’

It’s just a sad rectangle of moss with nary a flower or shrub in sight.

"Recently redecorated to a high standard"

Evidence of subsidence covered up

"In the heart of the city"

A train line runs directly behind the property. 

Their other speciality is calling me and launching into a conversation with "It's Francesca from Savills" assuming that I'll know which client and property she's dealing with without any further explanation.  End up having to stop them and ask them what they're talking about.

I like 'Master Bedroom'.

It makes you feel powerful. 

The Lord and Master of a 3 bed semi in Luton. 

An 'en-suite' is so much better than a bucket in the corner. 


Leasehold with share of freehold. Er no it’s leasehold. I now withdraw my offer .

Actually Ebit that is correct.  The property itself is leasehold and you hold it on a lease from the freeholder.  It just happens that you also own a share in the freeholder either by virtue of a share in the company that owns it or by virtue of being one of the registered owners of the freehold title.

Character property - ie how the fook are we going to sell this eccentric gaff?

Bloody conveyancers always shortchanging us with crappy leaseholds with a share of freehold. I demand a freehold flat. Make it happen.  

Leasehold with share of freehold is actually perfectly fine as a concept / description and is the best you can hope for in England if you're buying a flat. 

OIRO is exactly what it says.  Your offer needs to be close to the quoted price to be taken seriously.

@ sails indeed , but with S/FH we are much more in control of stuff . The two flats I have brought previously thankfully were S/FH .

Define close sails ? That’s my point it’s meaningless and subjective 

It does make sense to say OIRO. Some older people in England don't like to haggle and might not put in a bid if the asking price is a bit high. A mixture of pride and simple morals. In Scotland the culture's a bit different I think. See the price and knock off 10% or something.  

Price £1.1m

Guide Price £1.1m

OIRO £1.1m

Offers invited in Excess of £1.1m

Price between £1.1 and £1.3m

All mean asking price £1.1m

Yes but the agent is still correct saying it's leasehold with a share of freehold as legally that is what it is.  You're only more in control in a small development where everyone can get together and shout at each other.  Your share adds little when it's an 800 flat development run by a managing agent who takes instructions from whoever can be bothered to be on the board of the freehold company and where it's not practical to list to everyone's point of view.

Strong roffing here. Thank you. I encourage more of these posts.

Location is everything with this absolute shithole 

"situated moments from the heart of [desirable area]" = definitely not in a desirable area. At least 15 mins walk from desirable area, and quicker if you run. Given how stabby it is, running is strongly advised. 

Original features - kitchen was installed in the 1950s.

Garden laid to lawn - grass.

Bijou - pokey.


Low maintenance garden - astroturf. 

No maintenance garden - concrete. 

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