What’s your best joke?
Asturias Es Mi… 30 Nov 21 22:46
Reply |

A plea….

it’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally 

need more asti?

my jokes are kittens tbf

need to get wang or sumo up in this thread

(rip wellers)

A man fell in a vat at absolute zero.  Its fine, he is 0k now.

Rene Descartes walks into a bar

the bartender says “would you like a scotch?”

”no, i think not” says Descartes

and immediately disappears 

a german walks into a bar and asks for a martini

”dry?” the bartender asks

”no, just one”

mixer thing, few words and a couple of jokes

ah ok

done this one before:

three nuns and the mother superior arrive at the pearly gates.

saint peter says “my children i must ask you a serious question”

he asks the first nun if she had ever touched a penis. 

"yes," she admits. "i once touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

st peter nods: "dip the tip of your finger into the holy water and cleanse yourself, and you may enter the kingdom of heaven" 

the nun dips her finger into the holy water and enters heaven.

saint peter asks the same question of the second nun. 

"yes," she admits. "i once touched a penis with one hand." 

"dip your hand into the holy water and cleanse yourself, and you may enter the kingdom of heaven," says saint peter.

the second nun does so, and enters heaven. 

at this point, the mother superior cuts in line.

"hang on!" she says, pointing at the third nun. "you'd better let me go next, because there's no way i'm gargling that shit after she sticks her arse in it!"

Why do women wear makeup and perfume?

Because they are ugly and they smell

A Higgs boson walks into a church.

The priest says "You'll have to leave. We don't allow your type in here."

The Higgs boson says, "Without me, you can't have mass."

The bartender says, “Go home. We don’t serve faster-than-light-particles here.”

A tachyon walks into a bar.

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field. 

Why are ghosts so popular at parties? Because they bring the boos 

Never marry a tennis player.  Love means nothing to them.

I've been saying "mucho" more when talking to my Hispanic friends.  It means a lot to them.

A short-sighted Scotsman goes into a bakery in Scotland.  He says, “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”  The guy says, “Naw yer right, it’s a doughnut”.

That’s my favourite.

Guy in Ancient Greece spots a hole in his toga.
 

He goes to the tailor who inspects the garment and says “Euripides?”

The guy nods and replies “Eumenides?”

A piece of tarmac walks into a bar and tries to order a pint only to be told the bar doesn’t serve tarmac and that he has to leave.

As he walks out a bit of blue tarmac walks up to the bar and gets served immediately.

He asks the bouncer why the blue tarmac isn’t being kicked out and the bouncer say “oh we don’t mess with him because he’s a cyclepath”

No, it’s your research task for today 🤣🤣

Ask a Scot 🤣

Try saying it in a Scots accent instead of a Welsh one…

Customs official: Sir, did you know there's a dead cat in your case?

Schrodinger: Well, I do now.

How does a non-binary samurai kill people?

They/them

Circus is in town. Ringmaster likes to have a pint after the show. So, to get there for closing time, right after lights down in the big top, and still in full costume, he heads to a local boozah.

He’s just polishing off his pint and thinking it must be closing time soon, when he sees a monkey walk into the bar.

The monkey takes off the jacket he’s wearing, hangs it over a bar stool and says to the barman: “alright John, pint of Stella please”.

Then; the monkey puts a quid down on the pool table. It’s winner stays on. Pretty soon it’s his turn, and he not only beats the incumbent, he sees off all comers for the rest of the evening until chucking out time.

”Night John!” says the monkey, swilling down the last of his beer, putting his jacket back on and heading out the door.

“Well” thinks the ring master. “Quite remarkable.”

Next evening, same thing. The monkey comes in, orders his pint of stella, and this time walks over th the dartboard. He challenges the assembled to a game of killer, and cleans up, game after game. “Night John!” calls the monkey to the barman as he walks out of the door pulling on his coat.

”Wow” thinks the ringmaster. “I really must speak to this monkey.”

The ringmaster says to the barman: “that monkey… does he get in here regularly?”.

”Monkey?” says the barman.

”You know, the little feller who was sitting here. Just left.”

”Oh, you mean Dave? Yeah he’s in here every night mate.”

The next evening is the last evening the circus is in town, end the ringmaster pulls up a chair at the bar, hoping against hope that the monkey will come in like the barman said.

And he does,

This time, after ordering his Stella, the monkey challenges a bunch of regulars to a card game. And sure enough, he clears up. He wins hand after hand and takes home quite a purse.

Then, at closing time; the monkey heads to the barstool where he left his jacket, and starts to put it on.

It’s now or never, thinks the ringmaster. I have to take this chance. 

He approaches the monkey.

”Excuse me” says the ringmaster, “it’s Dave, isn’t it?”

“That’s right” says the monkey. “But who’s asking?”

”Well” says the ringmaster. “Forgive me, but I think you’re quite the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.”

The monkey’s countenance darkens just a fraction. “Are you being funny?”

”No not at all! In fact I’m quite serious when I say I’d like to recruit you. I mean I’d like to offer you a job.”

The monkey frowns thoughtfully. “A job?”

”Yes!”

”Well… what business you in?”

”Can’t you tell?” says the ringmaster. gesturing at his red tails and top hat. “I’m in the circus”.

”So… you want to hire me for the circus?”

”Yes!”

”You want me to join the circus?”

”Yes exactly!”

”But…” the monkey pauses and thinks for a moment. “What would the circus want with a plasterer?”

Werner Heisenberg is late for a meeting, zooming down the road, when he sees a police car flashing him in his rear view mirror. He pulls over to the side of the road and winds down his window.

The policeman walks over and says: “Excuse me sir, do you know how fast you were going?”

Heisenberg says: “No, but I know exactly where I am!”

I knew I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.  

Had a joke contest with my kids yesterday.  Best two were:

"What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A shoe."

And from the littler one:

"What's Daddy's favourite band?

Poo fighters".

Both were better than anything I could some up with.

what do you call a broken can opener?

 

 

 

A can't opener.

Two cannibals eating a clown;

one says to the other,

Does this taste funny to you?

 

 

Two goldfish in a tank, one says to the other, Do you know how to drive this thing.? 

Two budgies standing on a perch

one says to the other “can you smell fish?”

why did the chicken cross the road...to get to the idiots House...

knock knock....

 

my two love that one

I’ve bought my wife a fridge for Christmas 

 

 

can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it

The meringue confusion reminded me of one it took me and my friends about two years to understand when we first heard it (aged 11):

Two nuns are in the communal baths. One says, “Where’s the soap?” The other replies, “Yes it does, doesn’t it.”

Why do the French only ever have one egg for breakfast?

Because in France one egg is un oeuf. 

'What do we want?'

'Rights to cover Wham! songs!'

'When do we want it?'

'Last Christmas!'

What do we we want?

Oudated jokes!

When do we want it?

Furio's mom!

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