​
Lockdown has been a real downer, so you can imagine my delight when a scammer pretending to be a barrister from the Republic of Togo, 'Lawrence Phiri', and later a banker, 'Ouro-Akpo Moussa', got in touch to inform me that I was in line for a multi-million dollar windfall. 

Unfortunately I was busy, so I passed the opportunity on to my alter ego, 'Jack Straw', and he jumped at the chance. What follows is their heartwarming correspondence, which proves that friendships can blossom in the most unexpected of places. 

For ease of reading, emails from the scammers are indented.

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 19 May 2020 17:45
Subject: dd

Please accept my apologies. I do not wish to invade your privacy. I am Barrister Lawrence Phiri, a  Lawyer by profession. I wrote a previous email but no response and in my first email I mentioned about my deceased client, who is of the same origin with you. Since his death, I have received several letters from his bank where he made a deposit of US $ 4.3 million before his death, the bank has asked me to provide his relatives or any of his relatives who can claim his funds or it will be confiscated and as I could not locate any of his relatives, I decided to contact you for this claim. I will give more clarification on the subject once I receive your response.
Sincerely,
Barrister Lawrence Phiri (LLB HONS)

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 19 May 2020 17:51
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: dd

Barrister Lawrence j would like to claim this money please

Jack Straw

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 20 May 2020 11:36
To: Jack Straw
Subject: MORE DETAILS INFORMATION/ CALL ME

Hello  Jack Straw,

I'm glad to confirm receipt of your response with good intentions. It is okay to have taken little time before response, perhaps you were engaged and could not attained to my mail, good thing it finally got your attention and I appreciate it.

I contacted you because you share same last name with my late client, since I had sought his relatives without success and instead of this fund being confiscated by the bank, I therefore seek your consent to present you to the bank as the legal heir apparent and beneficiary of the fund left behind by my deceased client.

Understand that you do not have to be related or even know my late client to participate in this, I really carried out thorough inquiry and convinced that he had no known living relatives as he migrated to this country sometime in 1978. He died in an auto accident, as such the bank management has been looking forward to his next of kin (relation), the drastic measure was as a result of his inability to enclose anybody, as his next of kin. The management has plans to invoke the abandoned property decree of 2006 to confiscate the funds after the expiration of the period expected of his heir apparent.

Note that the next of kinship is not limited to relations of the deceased nor is it confided to the circuit of parental or maternal relationship, rather by choice of the benefactor as regards whom he/she wishes to Will it to as (beneficiary) being a business partner, relation, kinsmen, friends or well wishers, therefore by the virtue of the above statement.

I have resolved that we donate 5% of the total sum to the less-privilege, 5% to be set aside for this is a Capital Intensive deal, while the remaining shall be shared 50/50 hence we both shall join hands together towards the successful closure of this inheritance claim with my office. If you are interested and to enable us proceed with this transaction, you are required to send the below information, for the introduction as the legitimate heir apparent to my deceased client.

Your Full Names:...

Your Nationality:..

Your Sex:.........

Age:...............

Marital Statues:.....

Occupation:...........

Your full Address:.....

Your Direct Mobile No:..

Let trust be our watch word as we tread along with this transaction that the nature has brought us together.

Thanks in anticipation of your honest co-operations.

Regards,

Barrister Lawrence Phiri

Phiri & Partners LLB (MB)
49 Rue Du Tsevie B.P:5243,
Lome-Togo Republic of Togo.

Теl: +228 97997602  

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 20 May 2020 12:04
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: MORE DETAILS INFORMATION/ CALL ME

Thank you barrister Lawrence 

It is a good plan but I do not want to give some of the money to charity

 I agree  Let trust be our watch word as we tread along with this transaction that the nature has brought us together But let’s keep his money and we can give it to charity ourself if we want to?

I will honesty give half of it to a charity to stop deisel cars polluting our air in Nottingham but I will set it up myself 

Your Full Names:...Jack Cole Harris Edward Elliot Samson Epsom Straw

Your Nationality:..English

Your Sex:.........man

Age:...............74

Marital Statues:.....one of us in plaster, dancing, that’s all we had done

Occupation:........... retired (was a few things including builder and mackerel sauce pioneer)

Your full Address:.....  the park estate Nottingham England 

Your Direct Mobile No:.. do not have one 

By the way I do not have a criminal record 

Jack Straw

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 21 May 2020 11:29
To: Jack Straw
Subject: PROGRESS

 Dear Jack Straw,  

Thanks for your mail and the content is well understood and noted. I want to inform you that I have finally submitted application to the bank on your behalf with a letter of probation from our ministry of Justice, therefore do not hesitate to keep me update once you heard or received anything from the bank and do not respond to any further email in regards to this transaction without my consent for advice and instructions to avoid mistakes and let trust be our watch word.

Regards,

Barrister Lawrence Phiri

Phiri & Partners LLB (MB)

49 Rue Du Tsevie B.P:5243,

Lome-Togo Republic of Togo.

Теl: +228 97997602  

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 21 May 2020 11:53
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: RE: PROGRESS

Dear barrister Lawernce

THis is good news.

You can trust me – let me tell you something, I am the inventor of ‘Mack & C.H.E.E.S.E’,  you may not have heard of it in the Republic Of Toga but it is very popular in parts of england?

people said it was a foul idea but i plowed on. I made tubes of mackerel fish and poured over hot cheese. My middle names spell out C.H.E.E.S.E. so it was an obvious invention for me, and also the name has a double meaning because the ‘secret’ ingredient is a bit of me – don’t ask me what! 😉

It has sold poorly by conventional metrics, but I feed it to drunks afte closing time and they love it.

So – I am not a nobody, I am a person of substance [ although slightly less substance each time I make a batch of Mack & C.H.E.E.S.E. ! 😲]

I look forward to getting the other Straw’s money with you.

Best

Jack C.H.E.E.S.E. Straw

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 22 May 2020 13:37
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: PROGRESS

When will I hear from the bank barrister Laurence?

I want that cheddar!

JCHEESES

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From: UTB BANK TOGO
Sent: 22 May 2020 14:38
To: Jack Straw
Subject: UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)  

FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)   

LOME-TOGO

DATE: 22-05-2020

ATTENTION MR.JACK COLE HARRIS EDWARD ELLIOT SAMSON EPSOM STRAW

WITH REFERENCE TO THE APPLICATION FILED IN THIS BANK ON YOUR BEHALF AS THE LEGAL NEXT OF KIN TO OUR DECEASED CUSTOMER  LATE ENGINEER THOMAS BRIAN STRAW, AND IN LINE WITH OUR INHERITANCE POLICY AND ALLIED  ADMINISTRATIVE MATTERS, YOUR APPLICATION HAS BEEN SCRUTINIZED AND VERIFIED BY THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS OF THIS BANK.

TO ENABLE US PROCEED AS AGREED WITH OUR LATE CUSTOMER (ON HIS ICSPA-2 FOLDER) YOU ARE HEREBY REQUIRED TO PROVIDE US WITH THE ATTACHED REQUIRED INFORMATION'S/DOCUMENTS TO ENABLE US APPROVE YOUR FILE TO FURTHER THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF YOUR INHERITANCE AS STATED IN YOUR APPLICATION.

THANKS FOR YOUR COMPREHENSIONS

SINCERELY

MR. OURO-AKPO MOUSSA

DEPT. MANAGER

UTB-TOGO

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Note: This message and any attachments may be confidential and intended solely for the addressee(s). If you receive this message in error, please delete it immediately and notify the sender. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any unauthorized use, copying or dissemination is prohibited. Union Togolese Bank shall not be liable for the message if altered, changed or falsified.

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 22 May 2020 20:34
To: UTB BANK TOGO
Subject: RE: FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

Dear MR. OURO-AKPO MOUSSA

I made  all my documents before I saw his name was Thomas Brian Straw, pleas change your records to say he is now called Jacques Paul Lysander Aiden Steve Tim Ichabod Colin Straw as that is what I thought he was called. As he is deseased he wont care and you have my permission to pay yourself one per cent of the money to ‘look the other way’ and do it.

Heres all the evidence you needed:_-: :-:

Heres evidence of his death-

 Heres his grave as more proof if needed –

 Heres our certificate of kinship, I still miss him ☹  😉 -

 Heres the Straw family tree as well to prove we are related  -

I withdrew my money from HSBC Nottingham because the virus made me predict (wrongly) thered be a run on the banks so I NO LONGER HAVE AN ACTIVRE ACCOUNT. DO NOT TRANDFER MONEY TO THAT ACCOUNT.

Instead deliver my fortune by a courier or agent to Nottingham in the form of pallets  of things I can barter when the virus gets bad, specifically:

-EGGS

-FLOUR

-RAZORS

-TAMPONS

-KETTLEBELLS

-SUGAR

-CONDOMS

-BULLETS

-PASSPORTS

-COCAINE

-GUNS

-BLOOD BAGS

-CHEESE

-MACKEREL

 Best wishes

Jack C.H.E.E.S.E. Straw

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From: UTB BANK TOGO
Sent: 23 May 2020 13:34
To: Jack Straw
Subject: FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)   

LOME-TOGO

DATE: 23-05-2020

ATTENTION MR.JACK COLE HARRIS EDWARD ELLIOT SAMSON EPSOM STRAW 

WHAT IS THIS YOU SEND TO US, ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU ARE THE DIRECT NEXT OF KIN TO OUR LATE COSTUMER ENGINEER THOMAS BRIAN STRAW. WE REQUESTED FOR THE DEATH CERTIFICATE AND THE BONFIDE CERTIFICATE FROM YOU WITH YOUR RECEIVING BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATIONS AND YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSOPORT OR YOUR IDENTITY CARD.

THANKS FOR YOUR COMPREHENSIONS

SINCERELY

MR. OURO-AKPO MOUSSA

DEPT. MANAGER

UTB-TOGO

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Note: This message and any attachments may be confidential and intended solely for the addressee(s). If you receive this message in error, please delete it immediately and notify the sender. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any unauthorized use, copying or dissemination is prohibited. Union Togolese Bank shall not be liable for the message if altered, changed or falsified.

*********************************

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 23 May 2020 14:37
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: PROGRESS

 Lawrence 

 Urgent help Needed. I gave the bank proof I was related to Jacques P.L.A.S.T.I.C. Straw but they say their costumer was another Straw. 

Do you know anyone at the bank who can change the records to say ‘Jacques P.L.A.S.T.I.C. Straw’? 

otherwise I have to write a new certificate and gravestone .

the man I am talking to Who is causing these problems is called Mr Ouro. Can he be ‘taken out of the Picture’? 

yours hopefully

Jack Straw

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 23 May 2020 14:52
To: Jack Straw
Subject: IN THE WAITING

Dear Brother Jack Straw,

Please forward the message you receive from the Union Togolaise de Banque (UTB) bank to me now let me read it and advice you what to do to avoid mistake with the bank and I have already inform you that any message you received from the bank or anywhere in your email kindly forward it to me so that I will advise you what to do to avoid mistake, In the waiting.

Mr.Phiri

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 23 May 2020 15:40
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Fwd: FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

Hello Laurence 

Here is the email from the bank <attached>.  I am scared I have mucked it up. It’s Mack & KNEES all over again. Who wants sheep knees with fish? Turns out Nobody. 

Hope you can fix this my friend. 

Jack Straw 

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 23 May 2020 16:36
To: Jack Straw
Subject: INQUIRE FROM THE CONCERNED AUTHORITY

Dear Jack Straw,

Thanks for forwarding the bank message to me  I have gone through it and the content is well understood and noted, the bank requested for the Death and Bonifade certificates of the decease to prove that you are the beneficiary to this inheritance fund estate.

Meanwhile I promise you that I’m going to use my good office and in the society to make sure that all proceeding regarding to this is been handle under legitimately to the bank satisfaction.

Furthermore, I will be in the concerned authority first thing monday morning to inquire and secure for those documents and will keep you update as soon as I return from the concerned authority,

 Regards

Lawrence Phiri (Esq),

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 23 May 2020 17:15
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: INQUIRE FROM THE CONCERNED AUTHORITY

 Dear Laurance

Thank you.

if Ouro can’t be ‘taken care of’ I have done the documents he asked for proving I am related to Thomas  Straw. you can give them to the bank  :-

Good day

Jack Straw 

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 23 May 2020 18:40
To: UTB BANK TOGO
Subject: Re: FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

Dear Ouro 

 My barrister will be in touch on Monday. 

 That’s right I have a lawyer. 

 You may have heard of him. He is a pillau of the community . his name is Lawrence Phiri. That’s right THE laurence Phiri. 

 Basically He knows your boss’s bosses bosses boss. 

If you don’t do EXACTLY what he says you will lose your job

you pencil necked petty burocrat timeserver . 

Give us our money. Without delay. We are grieving. 

Mack and C.H.E.E.S.E out. 

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 25 May 2020 14:09
To: Jack Straw
Subject: Re: INQUIRE FROM THE CONCERNED AUTHORITY

 What did you mean? how did you think that this thing you forwarded to me is a death certificate did you want the bank to cancle this transfer/ how did you bring a fake death certificate and send to me and you want me to send it to the bank are you joking with this transaction or what?

Listen this transaction is my only hope in my life so I will not like in anywyay somebody will use it and joke with mejust understand me now or else I will just look for someome else who will re-place you. 

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 25 May 2020 14:45
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: INQUIRE FROM THE CONCERNED AUTHORITY

Lawrence 

How dare you,

You came to me because I have the same sirname as the wealthy sadly decesed Straw. 

Good luck finding another bent Straw! 

Your need me as much as I need you. 

Sorry the documents look bad, but Im a deeply disturbed pensioner who fashions mackerel into tubes and spikes them with presents from my body and serves them to people hidden in a scalding cheddar sauce, not a master forger. 

But no hard feelings. Let us proceed in the spirit of love and harmony with which we began this enterprise. As a concilatory gesture Im hereby authorising you to set up a Mack ‘n C.H.E.E.S.E  franchise in toga. 

Your friend (And future director )

Jack Straw 

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 25 May 2020 22:23
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: INQUIRE FROM THE CONCERNED AUTHORITY

 Lawrenxe 

 Have you done the documents yet? 

I can do them for free if you want. I did the others on Microsoft Paint and the bank didn’t blink . 

I think mr Ouro is a dim bulb if you know what I mean!

Jack Straw

Founder 

Mack ‘n C.H.E.E.S.E.

‘My secret ingredient hurts me more than it hurts you!’

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 26 May 2020 10:45
To: Jack Straw
Subject: BANK REQUIREMENTS

   Dear Jack Straw

Following the bank requirements, I need to let you know that I have finally obtain and attached them with this mail the Certificate of Bonafide and the Death Certificate which you will have to forward it to the bank with a copy of your International Passport or your driving license or any identity card for Identification purposes and together with your receiving bank account information’s where you want the bank to transfer your inherited fund into. I have labor my self throughout today to make sure that I will procure this documents on your behalf.

I also want you to know that it has cost me a lot of money to procure these documents as the matter of urgency, you go ahead and forward them to the bank and always keep me update for advice and instructions.

Then  you send it to the Union Togolaise de Banque (UTB)  Bank Of Togo through their email address to enable them approve your file and then transfer the whole fund into your nominated bank account also do not hesitate to get back to me if there is anything you do not understand properly  kindly ask me okay.

N/B the bank email address is:  [email protected] 

Regards

Lawrence Phiri (ESQ). 

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 26 May 2020 11:23
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: Re: BANK REQUIREMENTS

Oh Shitballs Lawrence 

What in the figmunching Hell is this? The death certificate says his name was ‘Thomas Brian Straw Engineer’ .

 weve got a problem Houston because my surname is not Engineer its Straw. 

Ffs

Im beginning to doubt your abilities as a lawyer. 

Look, here’s what we will do - I will change my name to Jack C.H.E.E.S.E.S Engineer. 

 I’ll do it for the money involved. I will Change my name. You’ve made mistakes Lawrence  - this is a  big bloody stupid one - but you’ve also invested your money and I appreciate that so its only fair I make sacrifices too. I’ll send my application to the uk  government  as ASAP as possible. 

On the upside I suppose it means I can branch out to serve several different cheeses as it will be Mack ‘n C.H.E.E.S.E.S. now. A four cheese melt, I’ve always wanted to do that. Mackerel drizzled in Brie, cheddar, strong cheddar and extra strong cheddar. Ok this could work.

Your worried man in England  

Jack Straw

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 26 May 2020 11:51
To: Jack Straw
Subject: Re: BANK REQUIREMENTS

 Get out you idiot if you try write to me again I will deal with you idiot. Get out you fool.

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 26 May 2020 12:46
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: RE: BANK REQUIREMENTS

hOW VERY dare you Lawrence

Lok at this. LOOK AT IT:

It says put your surname first and You’ve put ENGINEER.

 Stop throwing your toys out of your pram and calm down.

 Either I will change my name If his surname really is Engineer, or you must change this PIECE OF crap certificate.

Tell me.

JACK STRAW

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From: Lawrence Phiri
Sent: 26 May 2020 12:57
To:  Jack Straw
Subject: Re: BANK REQUIREMENTS

Get out you are an idiot just an internet joker,stop writing to me I am going to the bank now to change your name in the bank because you are a fool

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 26 May 2020 13:12
To: UTB BANK TOGO
Subject: bank application

Dear banker

I attach the documents to claim the money that Brian Straw Engineer left in his will to me, Jack Straw Engineer <attached>. 

Here is more proof, a photo of Brian and me being engineers which youll see is not just our sirname, its our job, or was until he was crushed.

Pictured: Jack C.H.E.E.S.E.S. Engineer (L) and Thomas BS Engineer (R) celebrate a new building staying up

Now a warning – A barrister called Lawrence Phiri has been acting for me in this matter, but I am considering firing him due to issues with his temperament and manners.

We are currently paused in our relationship so please deal with me directly on this matter, not him.

Thank you

Jack Straw Engineer
‘MmmmmmmMack ‘n C.H.E.E.S.E.S – same low price, x4 the cheeses’

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 26 May 2020 13:24
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: RE: BANK REQUIREMENTS

Dear Lawrence 

Calling me a joker is ‘the final straw’.

Good luck meddling with the bank! I have already told the bank to stop dealing with you due to your petulance. Please dont try to meddle further as I take this transaction forward with the bank. 

Its a shame for you, you could have been the happy manager of Togo’s first Mack ‘N C.H.E.E.S.E.S. outlet under my beneveolent guidance, instead youll stay a lawyer wholl never taste my secret ingredient. 

And to think I changed my own will to leave my money to you! I thought we were friends. I will change it in the morning.

Regards

Jack Straw

Jack C.H.E.E.S.E.S. Engineer
‘Yum YUM, What’s for tea, mum?’ 
‘Not Mack N C.H.E.E.S.E.S. as it’s not suitable for kids or human consumption according to the High Court.’

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From: UTB BANK TOGO
Sent: 26 May 2020 16:41
To: Jack Straw
Subject: UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)                                        

FOREIGN OPERATION DEPARTMENT

UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)   

LOME-TOGO

DATE: 26-05-2020
 
ATTENTION MR.JACK COLE HARRIS EDWARD ELLIOT SAMSON EPSOM STRAW 
WE RECEIVED YOUR MESSAGE TODAY 26TH DAY OF MAY 2020WITH GOOD FAITH, REGARDING YOUR QUESTION THE NAME OF OUR LATE CLIENT IS ENGINEER THOMAS BRIAN STRAW.

WE RECEIVED THE TWO DOCUMENTS FROM YOU AND WE ARE AWAITING FOR YOUR INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT OR DRIVING LICENSE OR ANY IDENTIFICATION FROM THE GOVERNMENT TO IDENTIFY YOUR NAME AND STATE  CLEARLY  YOUR  RECEIVING  BANK  ACCOUNT  INFORMATIONS  OR  INDICATE  THE MEANS BY WHICH YOU WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR INHERITANCE FUND.
YOU ARE HEREBY REQUIRED TO PROVIDE US WITH THOSE REQUIRED INFORMATION'S TO ENABLE US APPROVE YOUR FILE TO FURTHER THE RELEASE/TRANSFER OF YOUR INHERITANCE AS STATED IN YOUR APPLICATION.
 
THANKS FOR YOUR COMPREHENSIONS
 
SINCERELY
 
MR. OURO-AKPO MOUSSA
DEPT. MANAGER
UTB-TOGO
**************************************
Note: This message and any attachments may be confidential and intended solely for the addressee(s). If you receive this message in error, please delete it immediately and notify the sender. If the reader of this message is not the intended recipient, you are hereby notified that any unauthorized use, copying or dissemination is prohibited. Union Togolese Bank shall not be liable for the message if altered, changed or falsified.
**************************************
 

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 26 May 2020 20:37
To: UTB BANK TOGO
Subject: RE: UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)

Dearest Ouro

Thank you for processing my documents, I need the money badly to keep up with my ambitious expansion plans. Ive got my eye on a lot of the jamie’s premises. 

I can do better than a passport, I have a letter from the prime minister to me personally: - ::

Dont worry I never told, so my business is still worth what it was.

As previously said to you or my ex lawyer Lawpants (Lawrence) (😉), I do not want the money as money, I want it converted into supplies I can barter with and sell as this place goes to the dogs. Things have got worse so now just send me:

-cheese
-mackerel
-sharp flints
-animnal skins
-clubs
-bird bone flutes
-a wheel

They are to be delivered on pallets to the edge of Nottingham in the dead of a night and I will collect them.

All the best

Jack Straw
‘Retuuuurn of the Mack (‘N C.H.E.E.S.E.)’

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From: UTB BANK TOGO
Sent: 27 May 2020 13:35
To: Jack Straw
Subject: UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)

WE ARE WAITING FOR YOUR BANK ACCOUNT INFORMATION TO ENABLE US APPROVE YOUR FILE AND EASY RELEASE/TRANSFER YOUR INHERITANCE FUNDS TO YOU.

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From: Jack Straw
Sent: 27 May 2020 13:50
To: UTB BANK TOGO
Subject: Re: UNION TOGOLAISE DE BANQUE (UTB)

Dear Ouzo

I closed my account when the virus came. Thats why I’ve told you to use my $5.2 million to buy the survival pack items I listed in my last email - flints, animal skins etc. If you cant get those things just hand me the money Personally - ‘Get thee to Nottingham’ as the saying goes. 

Best wishes 

Jack Straw 
‘If your guts need a squeeze, Gobble Mack ‘n C.H.E.E.S.E.’

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From: Pamela O'Stamina
Sent: 27 May 2020 17:27
To: Lawrence Phiri
Subject: RE: Jack CHEESE Straw [Matter 20/nb.5.202]

Dear Lawrence Phiri

My name is Pamela O'Stamina, a legal director at Hoarse Sheet LLP.

I regret to inform you that Jack Straw passed away in the early hours of this morning at his home in Nottingham. My condolences.

I have been instructed to act as the trustee in the matter of Mr Straw's estate.

I appreciate this news may come as a shock to you, and that you will have many questions.

Unfortunately, my understanding of the precise circumstances of his death is incomplete at this stage.

The coroner's initial report has determined that Mr Straw was attempting to grate a part of his anatomy into a giant vat of boiling cheese and fish when he tumbled into the container and drowned.

Due to the unusual nature of his demise, the process of resolving his inheritance has been fast-tracked.

As such, it is my duty as the appointed estate trustee to contact his beneficiaries, of which you are one.

By means of a Last Will and Testament certified at my firm's offices and revised in May, Mr Straw has bequeathed to you:

- approximately 18,000 tins of mackerel fillets
- 29 wheels of mild cheddar
- a 6,000 litre stained steel tank
- 160 tupperware boxes containing unidentified flesh shavings in an opaque juice
- 1 spoon
- a note:
 

I would be grateful if you would provide a forwarding address.

Mr Straw also bequeathed you £3,600 in cash, however this is expected to be consumed entirely by the considerable shipping costs which will be incurred transporting your new possessions from Nottingham to Togo. To that end, I would be grateful if you would provide your home address.

In more good news, I was able to secure a memento for you to remember Jack by. I know you were close, and I trust this photograph of Mr Straw being retrieved from his vat (now your vat) will bring some small measure of comfort in the months ahead.

Your gentle servant

Pamela

Pamela O'Stamina
Legal Director
Hoarse Sheet LLP

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Pamela has not received a response.