This sponsored post by a business called 'Injury Specialists Direct' recently interrupted the never-ending feed of baby photos on thousands of people's Facebook pages:



Charles Saatchi, moonlighting as Injury Specialists Direct's digitial marketing guru, has been called to report on the campaign to the sixty lawyers who paid to be on its august panel. He arrives in the boardroom (a table in the Pret at Liverpool Street Station) fourteen hours late wearing a colander on his head. The atmosphere is cramped but positive.

Glen Spatchcock (a lawyer): Saatchi, how did the advert go down with our target audience, the grasping and the desperate? I hear that the post has been 'liked' hundreds of times.

Saatchi: Yes, that's right. Manuela was up all night clicking.

Spatchcock: That's good, Saatchi, because I paid the proceeds of six settlements for sporks dropped in chestal cavities by negligent surgeons to be part of Injury Specialists Direct.

Alima Rahman (another lawyer): And I paid the proceeds of four settlements for eyes popped out by squash balls on municipal courts.

Mark Mollesteros (a third lawyer): And I paid you the proceeds of my one massive settlement last year, for multiple eviscerations at a particularly poorly-organised children's birthday party.

Saatchi: Ladies and gentlemen, if I can stop you there. It's been worth it.  As well as hundreds of 'likes', which almost always convert into hard profits, the advert received hundreds of comments from Facebookers. And that sort of interaction - what we online marketeers call 'engagement' - is, quite frankly, priceless.

Mollesteros: Interesting. Have we become 'viral'?

Saatchi: I am pleased to say that you are viral.

Spatchcock: What did they say in the comments?

Saatchi: The input fell into several camps. 0.1% of the comments were very positive, and the other 99.9% came from, broadly speaking, a place of hatred.

Rahman: Did you say 'hatred'?

Saatchi: Deep hatred. But as I say, that's broadly speaking. Let's go granular. We have several people who blame you personally for destroying the country.

Saatchi uses a projector to beam the first of a series of slides onto the wall of Pret.




Mollesteros: Seems negative.

Rahman: This looks terrible.

Saatchi: To the uninitiated, perhaps. But admen like me are delighted when the 'ban this sick filth' brigade show up. They only appear when the subject is already popular. You see the same complaints about Game of Thrones and Strictly Come Strangling. I mean Dancing.

Saatchi's hands start clenching involuntarily until, with visible effort, he grips the taple top. Rahman bites down suspiciously on a Double Berry Muffin.

Saatchi: A healthy number of people identified your core business, signifying a deep understanding of the Injury Specialists Direct brand.



Mollesteros: And that's called...(Mollesteros checks his notes) 'engagement'?

Saatchi: Correct.

Mollesteros: Excellent.

Rahman: But 'ambulance chaser' is a negative term.

Saatchi: Not as negative as 'parasite'.



Saatchi: At first glance that may look bad.

Rahman: It looks very bad.

Saatchi: But what you have to understand is that very few people called you leeches and vultures, which is far worse.



Spatchcock: That's encouraging, then.

Rahman: Hang on-

Saatchi: Which brings us to the next slide.



Spatchock: Oh my.

Rahman: They despise us.

Saatchi: Yes, but it's incredible engagement.



Mollesteros: They're furious.



Spatchcock: Almost incoherent with rage.



A passing child sees the projection and bursts into tears.

Rahman: This is -

Saatchi: All well and good, I know, but ultimately what you want from sponsored content is more business.

The lawyers, some of whom are emaciated and dressed in rags, cheer and wave their napkins.

Saatchi: And on that score, you've come up trumps. Big time. We've got 14 very promising leads.



Saatchi doles out the cases to 14 hopeful solicitors.

Saatchi: But I'm afraid some unscrupulous lawyers did piggyback the advert in an attempt to drum up business for themselves.



Spatchcock: Parasites.

Saatchi: And there was a defamatory allegation about the campaign.



Mollesteros: Looks like someone doesn't understand how 'engagement' works.

Rahman: Are you su-

Saatchi: There was also positive feedback.



Mollesteros refers to his print-out of the advert and moans quietly.

Saatchi: And then there was this.



Saatchi: That Ms Justice should use the comments section of your sponsored content as the forum in which to reveal that a secret cabal is behind everything - everything - is extraordinary. I have taken precautions (he taps the colander on his head), and I suggest you do, too.

Rahman: Listen, Saatchi. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Mollesteros: Quite. We're defenceless.

Spatchcock: How can we protect ourselves?

Saatchi opens a box to reveal a pile of colanders.

Saatchi: These Anti-Bilderburg Helmets, a mere £10,000 each, will prevent the powerful x-rays of the elite from penetrating your skull. I'm an ABH expert and they really do work.

The lawyers queue up but before Saatchi can make a packet, the Pret manager taps hims on the shoulder.

Pret Manager: Excuse me, sir, but those are from our kitchen.

Saatchi throws a Falafel Mezze Salad in her face and escapes through a skylight. Sixty claims for injuries ranging from Grape Pot slip to a Hearty Grains Muffin choking incident are immediately filed. Saatchi's sponsored content is hailed as a great success.

For further adventures of Saatchi, the saviour of law firm branding, enjoy Saatchi and FFW, Saatchi and Herbert Smith and Saatchi and Dentons.
 

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