What did you fall out about?

Old fridges aren't that cold.  

My father.  He is dead but he bullied me big time.  I have to say he was never violent.  However, his bullying legacy is something my mother will never admit to.  She blames me.  That is what we fell out about (again).

So your mother thinks it was your fault that your father bullied you? 

Next of kin? DNR

Just threaten to ship her off to the cheapest old folks home the moment you have the opportunity.

Gwen - yes. Correct.  My father was a master at bullying.   My mother did nothing.  I fought her.  Hence the argumemts.

PP - my mother is ancient.  Totally ancient.  And she still has the ability to hate me.  Crikey.  I will never be like thatl.  I promise you.

A not oft deployed, wot clubbers sed.

She made her bed and either can't or won't face up to it. The first and most important parent role is to keep one's child safe. Failure in this rocks to the very core. Either knew and failed to act. Or didn't know and how could one not? Or chose not to know and how does one reconcile that?

Forgiveness is in your gift and yours alone, grumpers. If you choose that path, I advocate only for your benefit and in the face of true contrition.

Take a breath, have a cup of tea, watch that film that always makes things that little better and get a good night's sleep. The next will look after itself.

And, obvs, virtual hugs for a corner of the web.

One or maybe both of my parents used to visit this place. Apparently it was funny but all I see is problematic Gen Xers. Enshitification is real. I wish they were back. 

Your mother doesn’t want to face her complicity in how you were treated. 

She prefers to live in her made up reality of your father and life.

Either you need to be prepared to go along with her fantasy.. or leave it alone.

You will never ‘force’ her to acknowledge what you went through.  

If this is the only issue between you then you can either pack it away, rebuild a relationship with her  and deal with the fact that you’re never going to get validation on this..

Or if it is symptomatic of a broader disconnect with your relationship then be grateful she blocked you and let her die alone.

oldgrumpy 19 Mar 24 19:22

This is upsetting me, but my mother has blocked me.  How to deal with this?  Anyone else had parent issues?  My mother is someone who refuses to deal with emotion.  I am the opposite.  

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that generation started overindulged and seems to regress into childishness as they age

do not reward this ridiculous behaviour - if they want to play stupid toddler power games then let them but you dial it the blocking to 11. They will crack when they realise the tantrum doesn't work and that they are committing themselves to dying alone. 

there is nothing more frustrating to me than seeing adults turn to jelly because they haven't realised that they don't have to put up with a petty nasty parent anymore. 

All - thank you.  I am walking away from my mother.  She is a horrible woman.  I have spent hours trying to make this better.  She really is living in a fantasy world where everything is bright and happy.  She will not acknowledge reality.

My mother changed the script as she got old. She rewrote history - my brother the golden child was never expelled from school - how dare I suggest it- and she had been an excellent involved parent and I wanted to go to boarding school. Aged 8. 

Like Scylla says, you can’t change it. I do wish I’d understood her a bit better while she was alive, and her reasons for being the way she was. It’s really hard to reach that understanding while you’re firefighting the day to day, however, so accept there may be no happy ending. Sometimes things just can’t be fixed but you can definitely prevent yourself from being damaged further by staying clear (& letting her know why if you think it’s worth anything)

I really understand the need for acknowledgement and seeking closure. It is validating and it allows you to be seen. And this is your mother, so the need for  approval can be doubly intense. 
However, she is not going to change. As Scylla said, she doesn’t want to acknowledge her complicity in this. 
I would genuinely recommend you seek someone else to talk to about this. You need to work through this yourself to give yourself freedom from it. It might be even harder when she’s gone because you might ruminate on the what-ifs of it all. 
xxx 
 

All - thank you, again.  I am going to seek talk therapy.  My mother will never change.  She will never like me in the form that I am and that will never change.  I have two younger siblings who are her perfect people.  I was always a bit of a rebel and a bit mouthy.  

I don't have anything to do my brother, haven't for the last 10 years or so.  Was hard to start with but looking back my life has clearly been better for it.  Don't let toxic trash poison your fleeting years on this planet.   

Warren - thank you.

I am willing to sit down with my mother and try to find a resolution.  She won't even do that.  So, that's it.

Thanks for listening to me whinge and moan.

My dad's mum caused most of our family arguments for years as she specialised in divide and rule and taught her three children never to trust each other as one of the others would always be trying to get something over them.  Thankfully my mum and others who joined the family saw what was going and my dad and his brother and sister were largely able to bury the hatchet and repair some of the damage my granny did before aunt and uncle died.  I've even recently seen a letter from my aunt where she admits to being scared of my dad as her elder brother when they were growing up.  Ultimately my granny told my aunt that her brain tumour was her own fault for wanting kids and a career and whilst I think part of that was her anger at seeing one of her children die it so upset my dad that he stopped speaking to his mum and he doesn't seem to regret that at all.  Some family members are just toxic and you may be better of without them.

Things like this are diffcult.  A different generation carries very different values and beliefs.  I suppose that is where the barrier is in place and will remain.

Family members who rewrite history are impossible to deal with. My recently departed father has a brother who is a great rewriter of history. He has a very tenuous relationship with the truth which ignores his dreadful behaviour. Our way of dealing with this is to ignore him as much as possible and to call him out on his outrageous untruths if he utters them in front of us. He will never change and we're not prepared to buy into his cr*p.

I suspect that your mother is a lost cause. Sorry OldG.

Scylla - thank you.

It sounds like textbook narcissism and use of the silent treatment to me grumpy - its quite sad but there's really nothing you can do. Iread a book called 'its not you' by ramani durvasula that only takes a few days to read, and sets out the behaviours and best approaches to coping with it. The short of it is that they never change, they never own it, and you are far better living a happy sunshine filled life without them than wasting any time trying to negotiate with their personality disorder. Sad but from personal experience entirely true.

I think for a lot of them in later life it's also part of the struggle to transition from being a successful person who meant something to just being another anonymous old person.  In some ways I think my granny started to tell the truth in old age and lost her filters and was excoriating about people who'd apparently been her great friends for years which could be quite amusing.

I have asked to engage with her and she has, once again, refused.   So, my job is done.  My mother is very old (90).  She will die without her eldest daughter by her side.  This is sad.

Thoughts 

• it's not your fault
• it's a huge thing to engage with (note I didn't say 'deal' or any other word with a tone of finality, I don't think that's on offer here. What is on offer is helping yourself understand it - therapy is an excellent idea). 
• it or something like it is, as per this thread in fact, much more common than we might think
• that point above is in fact quite a large part of the problem because societal and internalised expectations are that parents have childrens' best interests at heart, show them love and affection etc. The reality is that some do and some really don't. But that's not what is expected in the discourse. 
• I recommend a (admittedly v American) book called Toxic Parents. It described my parents in law (and to a lesser degree my wife) to a tee, quite a startling experience having an author writing a good number of years ago in another country describe hyper accurately some people they have of course never met. 
• everyone must make their own choices here but you've done your time and made your efforts. Parents should give unconditional love. If they don't, they have only themselves to blame for the consequences. Not the kids to blame. 
• If you want to end on an upside, this experience gives you a very painful but also very valuable insight into the condition of some humans. Use that. As you can tell from refs to parents in law and wife I've had some exposure to this sort of stuff and frankly when I tell my kids that I love them no matter what, always and forever I mean it with a sincerity I couldn't have mustered without the perpetual fire walking I'm forced to do 

I'm sorry to hear that OG.  I'd be like you and wanting to resolve things.  I don't have any experience to offer you advice but I do offer my greatest sympathy.  It's not nice to think she will die without you in her life (and perhaps that won't happen) but at 90 she's unlikely to change her mindset.  Wishing you the best for your therapy. x

I excommunicated my family (albeit a very small one).

I do not regret it at all.

I understand why people put up with untold sh1t from family more than they do friends, but really if someone is a massive khvnt and all they do is bring you down and create drama, tell them and then if they won't change, fvck them off.

Thank you, all.  I did really appreciate hearing all comments.

My M is v v toxic also. always has been. Bigoted. violent with huge mood swings.

She can remember her 16-digit bank card number and most of her passwords but deffo has diagnosed mixture of bi-polar and other syndromes. She's a bully, physically attacks her adult kids i.e. (us, did so when we were young, too. Hateful; malicious gossip about people behind their back. Brings up all her lifetime grievances, even from decades ago, let alone the day before.

We can't afford to walk away, otherwise I would, go to a different country. Can't afford to get an injunction against her.

She's the vilest person I know. Disgusting. Vulgar. Anyone who does s.t. she doesn't like is a 's***', a 'scum'.

Old Grumpy, walk away if you can afford it. You have to refuse to acknowledge her existence, short of putting a pillow over her face. 

Walk away before your siblings do, otherwise you'll  be saddled with being her Attorney when she goes ga-ga.

Tell you what, O.G.,  like in Throw Momma From The Train, I'll whack yours if you whack mine (though in the film it was Billy Crystal's character's ex-wife/ Danny de Vito's character's mom).

*un-diagnosed. Typo

Secular - I have walked away.  I have turned my back on my mother.  This may be shocking to some people but I really do feel I have no option.

This whole situation saddens me but, after years, it is the best outcome.  She won't be sorry.