Dear eHarmony

Recently, you published a piece on your dating website listing 15 reasons why your subscribers should date a lawyer. As my colleague pointed out, the reasons are mostly insane.

In order to correct the dangerous impression of the lawyer-dating experience you have given your subscribers, please print the following corrections. It will prevent heartbreak and hours of missed WIP.


Quoting your date will make you sound boring.

   
Your mum and dad will be relieved if they've pissed away your inheritance on Lotto tickets and devious tinkers.

   
Most older male lawyers look like they've snatched their clothes from a Rotary Club lost property box on the way to a conference on BO.


Financially, lawyers are as secure as their job.


Your date will not present themselves because they will still be in the office. But if they had made an impression on your friends and colleagues it would have been frazzled and sweaty.

"Sorry I'm late. Some water for the table?"


Your date will ask to look at the contract you signed, read it, suck their teeth and conclude that you were foolish, before referring you to reason 15.


Lawyers are often required to debase themselves at excruciating client events where they have to bumlick everyone in the room. The small mercy for both of you is that you are unlikely to be invited.


Lawyers try to stay out of it when secretaries fight.

   
Like to debate? Join a debating society. Your date is knackered and wants to watch Gogglebox.

 
Lawyers will forget your birthday present - but their P.A. will remind them.


Speaking of presents, expect a notepad.


Your date will have no interesting law school stories (unless anecdotes about conveyancing tutorials get you going). As a general rule, lawyers work hard and envy bankers.


Lawyers will take a long time to realise that you're having an affair.


They might also be having an affair.


If you ever need your partner's services, he/she will reply that you should seek advice from a solicitor with whom you have a contractual arrangement so that you can sue them if you suspect negligence or fraud.