The court is already in session as filming begins.
HEARNDEN: I don't care! No, you don't fucking climb in my GARDEN!
LEARNED FRIEND: Don't shout at me, mate.
HEARNDEN: Don't you play the innocent with me. And don't you say-
LEARNED FRIEND: I swear I'll call the police.
HEARNDEN: Yeah? Call the police!
LEARNED FRIEND: I'll get you arrested, mate.
HEARNDEN: You'll get me arrested for SHOUTING? I'll get you arrested for burglary.
LEARNED FRIEND: We're 15-year-olds, I'm under 16.
HEARNDEN: ...What's that got to do with the price of fish?
LEARNED FRIEND: I'm not an adult, you're an adult and you're threatening me.
HEARNDEN: You're over the age of ****ing criminal responsiblity. You're over the age of criminal responsibility and you can go the youth court if you want and you can answer a charge of burglary.
LEARNED FRIEND: ...Burglary?
HEARNDEN: Yeah.
CAMERAMAN: Can you please calm down now sir? You're putting him under pressure.
HEARNDEN: I will put him under pressure, I'll put you all under fucking pressure. Don't give me lip. DON'T! GIVE! ME! LIP! OK?
(Inaudible riposte)
HEARNDEN: SHUDDUP! ******!
(Inaudible riposte)
HEARNDEN: It might not be how I behave as an adult. You do not trespass. You do not trespass in my garden. End. Of. And you can stop filming me 'cos I'll film you.
CAMERAMAN: I'm legally obliged to film in public so... can you please go back now cos-
HEARNDEN: I've got a picture, I've got a picture of you ok.
CAMERAMAN: - you're disturbing the neighbourhood. Thank you sir.
HEARNDEN: Keep out of our garden.
LEARNED FRIEND: We can't help it. It's not our fault.
HEARNDEN: When a ball goes over, you play with another ball. When you've run out of balls, you don't play football, ok? Simple as that! You do not have a right to play football.
LEARNED FRIEND: What is this? What is this?
HEARNDEN: It's a football pitch.
LEARNED FRIEND: Yeah we kick it over, but it's an accident.
HEARNDEN: And what's that? A garden.
LEARNED FRIEND: Yeah but then you're supposed to throw it over.
HEARNDEN: What do you mean? How dare you? How fucking dare you? I'm supposed to throw it over am I? I'm supposed to throw it over? Why don't you not kick it over in the first place?
LEARNED FRIEND: You're meant to do that. You're a person. This is the goal. We miss sometimes.
HEARNDEN: Do you jump in our garden on purpose or is that an accident, are you driven to jump in the garden? It's a criminal offence. It's a criminal offence and I'll report it to the police.
LEARNED FRIEND: It's dodgy. That's a bit dodgy fam, talking to little kids.
HEARNDEN: Don't do all this, don't do all this, 'we're little kids, you're little kids, you're a paedo fuck'. I wasn't born yesterday. I wasn't born yesterday, ok. You've got to learn, alright?
(Chorus of objections from learned friends)
HEARNDEN: You've got a lot to learn.
JUNIOR LEARNED FRIEND: We're under 16.
HEARNDEN: Oh, that means you're little kids does it? That's a legal term? Play the smart game. If you go into the garden again, you will be...
LEARNED FRIEND: But if you don't answer the door-
(Another learned friend interrupts)
HEARNDEN: Be quiet you.
(Sniggers)
HEARNDEN: Alright, you say that if the door isn't answered you're entitled to climb in to our garden. You wait. You wait, you wait until someone answers the door.
LEARNED FRIEND: We were waiting, we knocked five times and no-one answered.
HEARNDEN: Well maybe someone was out. Ok. Ok, alright, that's fine. I'm done reasoning with you. I'm done reasoning with you. Anyone in that garden again and there will be consequences. Alright?
(Hearnden walks out of the gate, then turns back.)
HEARNDEN: Oh, is your ball still in our garden?
LEARNED FRIEND: Yeah
HEARNDEN: You can forget it, you're not getting it back.
LEARNED FRIENDS: Oi, 'scuse, mate come back!
(The court retires to play football with spare ball)
Tip Off ROF
HEARNDEN: I don't care! No, you don't fucking climb in my GARDEN!
LEARNED FRIEND: Don't shout at me, mate.
HEARNDEN: Don't you play the innocent with me. And don't you say-
LEARNED FRIEND: I swear I'll call the police.
HEARNDEN: Yeah? Call the police!
LEARNED FRIEND: I'll get you arrested, mate.
HEARNDEN: You'll get me arrested for SHOUTING? I'll get you arrested for burglary.
LEARNED FRIEND: We're 15-year-olds, I'm under 16.
HEARNDEN: ...What's that got to do with the price of fish?
LEARNED FRIEND: I'm not an adult, you're an adult and you're threatening me.
HEARNDEN: You're over the age of ****ing criminal responsiblity. You're over the age of criminal responsibility and you can go the youth court if you want and you can answer a charge of burglary.
LEARNED FRIEND: ...Burglary?
HEARNDEN: Yeah.
CAMERAMAN: Can you please calm down now sir? You're putting him under pressure.
HEARNDEN: I will put him under pressure, I'll put you all under fucking pressure. Don't give me lip. DON'T! GIVE! ME! LIP! OK?
(Inaudible riposte)
HEARNDEN: SHUDDUP! ******!
(Inaudible riposte)
HEARNDEN: It might not be how I behave as an adult. You do not trespass. You do not trespass in my garden. End. Of. And you can stop filming me 'cos I'll film you.
CAMERAMAN: I'm legally obliged to film in public so... can you please go back now cos-
HEARNDEN: I've got a picture, I've got a picture of you ok.
CAMERAMAN: - you're disturbing the neighbourhood. Thank you sir.
HEARNDEN: Keep out of our garden.
LEARNED FRIEND: We can't help it. It's not our fault.
HEARNDEN: When a ball goes over, you play with another ball. When you've run out of balls, you don't play football, ok? Simple as that! You do not have a right to play football.
LEARNED FRIEND: What is this? What is this?
HEARNDEN: It's a football pitch.
LEARNED FRIEND: Yeah we kick it over, but it's an accident.
HEARNDEN: And what's that? A garden.
LEARNED FRIEND: Yeah but then you're supposed to throw it over.
HEARNDEN: What do you mean? How dare you? How fucking dare you? I'm supposed to throw it over am I? I'm supposed to throw it over? Why don't you not kick it over in the first place?
LEARNED FRIEND: You're meant to do that. You're a person. This is the goal. We miss sometimes.
HEARNDEN: Do you jump in our garden on purpose or is that an accident, are you driven to jump in the garden? It's a criminal offence. It's a criminal offence and I'll report it to the police.
LEARNED FRIEND: It's dodgy. That's a bit dodgy fam, talking to little kids.
HEARNDEN: Don't do all this, don't do all this, 'we're little kids, you're little kids, you're a paedo fuck'. I wasn't born yesterday. I wasn't born yesterday, ok. You've got to learn, alright?
(Chorus of objections from learned friends)
HEARNDEN: You've got a lot to learn.
JUNIOR LEARNED FRIEND: We're under 16.
HEARNDEN: Oh, that means you're little kids does it? That's a legal term? Play the smart game. If you go into the garden again, you will be...
LEARNED FRIEND: But if you don't answer the door-
(Another learned friend interrupts)
HEARNDEN: Be quiet you.
(Sniggers)
HEARNDEN: Alright, you say that if the door isn't answered you're entitled to climb in to our garden. You wait. You wait, you wait until someone answers the door.
LEARNED FRIEND: We were waiting, we knocked five times and no-one answered.
HEARNDEN: Well maybe someone was out. Ok. Ok, alright, that's fine. I'm done reasoning with you. I'm done reasoning with you. Anyone in that garden again and there will be consequences. Alright?
(Hearnden walks out of the gate, then turns back.)
HEARNDEN: Oh, is your ball still in our garden?
LEARNED FRIEND: Yeah
HEARNDEN: You can forget it, you're not getting it back.
LEARNED FRIENDS: Oi, 'scuse, mate come back!
(The court retires to play football with spare ball)