The corpse of Halliwells gives a final twitch

Halliwells' former partners have received a phenomenally awful (even outdoing the firm's own impressive efforts) email from market research firm, Plimsoll.

In a misguided attempt to flog the dead firm a report for a bargain £350 + VAT, the hapless company gave the following pitch.


From: Plimsoll To: Former Halliwells Partners Sent: 12 August 2010 Subject: Your company is rated in a new industry report A new industry report has rated your company as STRONG Your company is one of only 127 in the UK Legal Services industry getting it right. A new study has just been completed that analyses emerging threats and opportunities in this evolving market and will help you to remain one step ahead of the rest. The Plimsoll Analysis – Legal Services will tell you everything you need to know to benefit from an uncertain market. Each of the top 289 companies that operate in your specialist market has been individually assessed to provide a clear overview of their latest performance. Here are some of the key findings: HALLIWELLS LLP is rated as “STRONG” reflecting your recent performance 81 of your fellow competitors are in financial danger and will struggle to survive There are 68 companies named in the report who would make excellent acquisitions Competitive pressure is now so intense, a third of companies are making a loss The 2010 edition of the report not only analyses each company in detail over 2 pages, but each company is valued too. Each company in the report is rated on their attractiveness as an acquisition showing at a glance the best prospects in the market as well as those rated danger. Your own company is fully analysed in the report, allowing you to compare your performance to the rest of the market. This brand new report is priced £350+VAT for a PDF version. As current market conditions are changing rapidly, we will be issuing an updated edition of this report in January 2011. Order today to receive both editions for the price of one- £350+VAT.

From: Plimsoll
To: Former Halliwells Partners
Sent: 12 August 2010
Subject: Your company is rated in a new industry report

A new industry report has rated your company as STRONG

Your company is one of only 127 in the UK Legal Services industry getting it right. A new study has just been completed that analyses emerging threats and opportunities in this evolving market and will help you to remain one step ahead of the rest.

The Plimsoll Analysis – Legal Services will tell you everything you need to know to benefit from an uncertain market. Each of the top 289 companies that operate in your specialist market has been individually assessed to provide a clear overview of their latest performance.

Here are some of the key findings:

HALLIWELLS LLP is rated as “STRONG” reflecting your recent performance
81 of your fellow competitors are in financial danger and will struggle to survive
There are 68 companies named in the report who would make excellent acquisitions
Competitive pressure is now so intense, a third of companies are making a loss

The 2010 edition of the report not only analyses each company in detail over 2 pages, but each company is valued too. Each company in the report is rated on their attractiveness as an acquisition showing at a glance the best prospects in the market as well as those rated danger. Your own company is fully analysed in the report, allowing you to compare your performance to the rest of the market.

This brand new report is priced £350+VAT for a PDF version.

As current market conditions are changing rapidly, we will be issuing an updated edition of this report in January 2011. Order today to receive both editions for the price of one- £350+VAT.

Who wouldn't want to understand how "getting it right" can include constant partner defections, salary cuts, appalling internal morale, random threats to sue and the final indignity of losing their air conditioning?

RollOnFriday asked Plimsoll if they knew they were attempting to hawk their wares to a deceased law firm. They said their "research" is done solely on the basis of documents held at Companies House. So perhaps not the best way to spend £350, after all. Anyway talking of Ian Austin, here's a splendid contribution RollOnFriday received this week.

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